What is the role of fathers-in-law? Usually in soap operas the role is something negative. They are the ones who are trying to get their son to wed a woman of their choice, and then deliberately they destroy his marital life and express cruel criticism against his children. This is a snapshot of everyday life for many many couples all over the world.
I think it will make a good sociological survey to investigate what in-laws' role is in their son's marital life:
(a) Parents control their sons and daughters-in-laws
(b) Demand favours from daughters-in-law because you spent so much money on your son's tuition fees, medical health care, car insurance and the wedding.
(c) Ignore him and everyone related to him completely because
(i) your job as parents was only to raise children not babysit them and hold their finger for life
(ii) as a parents you feel betrayed that your son turned down your choice and married his own type of woman OR because your son moved out with his wife after marriage, you feel betrayed and you do not want anything to do with him, and you won't give him his inheritance.
(d) yoou will be there for your son and daughter-in-law whenever needed because as Muslims we must maintain the ties of kinship. But you will give your sons and daughter-in-law privacy because they need their space to relax and live their own life.
In a narration Abdullah ibn 'Amr bin al-Aas reported to have said, "My father helped me marry a noble woman and he used to inquire of his daughter-in-law regarding her husband. She would say, 'He is indeed a fine man. Since I have come to him, he has neither stepped on my bed nor he has had relations with me.'" When this state of affairs lasted for some time, my father mentioned the matter to Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) who direct my father saying, "Send him to me." I went to him accordingly. He asked me, "How often do you observe fast?" I replied "Daily." He asked me, "How long do you take in reading the Noble Qur'an completely." Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) commanded him to reduce his fasting and recitation of the Qur'an and spend more time with his wife.
Among many things, this hadith communicates the important role a father must play in his son's life. First, the he must help his son find a noble woman. The Prophet (s.a.w) said, "The world in its entirety is Mata (goods or that through which pleasure is derived), and the best Mata of the world is a righteous wife." - [Muslim] A righteous wife is an emblem of love and adoration, a best friend, a supportive homemaker, a good mother to the kids. A leader in Deen, she incorporates the Qur'an and Sunnah in everything and she exhorts her husband to do the same. So if a man marries a noble righteous woman, (while he is the same) then inshaAllah his life will be on the straight path. Prophet (s.a.w) said, "as for he whom Allah provides with a righteous woman, Allah has indeed helped him with half of his religion..." - [Al-Hakim]. Abu Sulaiman Ad-Darani said, "The righteous wife is not from the wrold, for indeed, she frees you - your time and energy - for the Hereafter," meaning a righteous woman turns the man's focus to the Hereafter instead of the material things of this world.
Second, as a father-in-law, he must inquire from his daughter-in-law about his son. Just as 'Amr bin al-'Aas would ask his daughter-in-law about the treatment she was receiving from her son, every father should make it a point, to make sure their sons are giving their wives, their marital rights. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "The most complete of believers in his imaan is he who has the best manners and who is gentlest with his family." - [Ahmed] The Prophet (s.a.w) made himself an example for his followers saying, "The best among you is the best among you to his women, and i am better to my women than you are." - [Tirmidhi] Almost all in-laws expect their son's wives to take over the household responsibilities and manage all the chores and and errands from cooking, cleaning and laundry to hosting parties for their friends, drive them around town and help them with their business. In this case, wives become chattels. They have no say in living their own lives. It is like they were employed and not married. But the Prophet (s.a.w) was not like this with his wives. Aisha (r.a) said, "Prophet (s.a.w) would serve his family, and then when the tiem for prayer arrived, he would leave to pray." [Bukhari]. The Prophet (s.a.w) would buy groceries, knead the dough, milk the sheep, sweep the floor, switch clothes and shoes among other thing. He (s.a.w) would eat with his Aisha (r.a) from the same plate. He (s.a.w) would joke with her and race with her. He (s.a.w) would recite Qur'an to her, advise her, take her with him on his trips. He (s.a.w) arranged for her to learn literature, poetry and medicine.
How can husbands become like the Prophet (s.a.w) except if their fathers teach them. 'Amr ibn al-Aas (r.a) would ask his daughter-in-law, how her son was treating her and later he (r.a) took his son to the Prophet (s.a.w) because persisted in neglecting his wife. Would any father take his son to a Shaykh for counselling because he was not being a good husband? Many fathers-in-law do not even speak to their daughters-in-law, let alone know what sort of troubles they are going through. Ibn Battal said, "A husband should not overly exert himself in worship to the point that he cannot fulfill the rights of his wife, in terms of marital relations and earning (money to support her need)."
Whenever there is a marriage problem, we automatically blame the wives for not being compliant enough but do we ever wonder that many times husbands do not be give their wives company and do not help them manage the household because of which wives stop cooperating and caring. In this case, who will protect the women's right? Who will be tough on the husbands and send them home to be nice to their wives? Only fathers-in-law can accomplish this task.
Who are Muslims? Allah says, "The believers are only those who, when Allāh is mentioned, their hearts become fearful, and when His verses are recited to them, it increases them in faith; and upon their Lord they rely - The ones who establish prayer, and from what We have provided them, they spend." [Qur'an, 8:2-4] How can a person tremble from the fear of Allah when he hears the Qur'an, offers the Salah and gives in charity but doesn'tt feel anything when his son neglects his wife? Allah also says, "The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allāh that you may receive mercy." [Qur'an, 49:10] How can a person call himself a Muslim but not help his son and daughter-in-law get along in their marriage? How can we ever hope to attain Allah's mercy when husbands and wives are drifting apart in front of us and we are not doing anything to reconcile between them? Shouldn't fathers-in-law fear Allah about this responsibility?
Not that I think women should be treated like Queens or princesses as some Muslims feminists insist. There is no kingship in Islam, only Khilafah! So no, I don't want or think wives should be treated like royalty. That is too pretentious. However, I do say and believe in fair treatment. Just as a wife fulfills her end of the bargain and runs her husband's household, raises his children and supports him in his world and his religion, the husband should help her and look after her. Men must understand that women are social, so they enjoy talking and companionship. There is nothing that would make a woman feel more loved (and the ladies can correct me here) than her husband spending time with her and taking her opinion on things. So if a husband is not around much and not considerate of his wife, the fathers-in-law should be alarmed and take measures to fix the situation.
I think it will make a good sociological survey to investigate what in-laws' role is in their son's marital life:
(a) Parents control their sons and daughters-in-laws
(b) Demand favours from daughters-in-law because you spent so much money on your son's tuition fees, medical health care, car insurance and the wedding.
(c) Ignore him and everyone related to him completely because
(i) your job as parents was only to raise children not babysit them and hold their finger for life
(ii) as a parents you feel betrayed that your son turned down your choice and married his own type of woman OR because your son moved out with his wife after marriage, you feel betrayed and you do not want anything to do with him, and you won't give him his inheritance.
(d) yoou will be there for your son and daughter-in-law whenever needed because as Muslims we must maintain the ties of kinship. But you will give your sons and daughter-in-law privacy because they need their space to relax and live their own life.
In a narration Abdullah ibn 'Amr bin al-Aas reported to have said, "My father helped me marry a noble woman and he used to inquire of his daughter-in-law regarding her husband. She would say, 'He is indeed a fine man. Since I have come to him, he has neither stepped on my bed nor he has had relations with me.'" When this state of affairs lasted for some time, my father mentioned the matter to Messenger of Allah (s.a.w) who direct my father saying, "Send him to me." I went to him accordingly. He asked me, "How often do you observe fast?" I replied "Daily." He asked me, "How long do you take in reading the Noble Qur'an completely." Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) commanded him to reduce his fasting and recitation of the Qur'an and spend more time with his wife.
Among many things, this hadith communicates the important role a father must play in his son's life. First, the he must help his son find a noble woman. The Prophet (s.a.w) said, "The world in its entirety is Mata (goods or that through which pleasure is derived), and the best Mata of the world is a righteous wife." - [Muslim] A righteous wife is an emblem of love and adoration, a best friend, a supportive homemaker, a good mother to the kids. A leader in Deen, she incorporates the Qur'an and Sunnah in everything and she exhorts her husband to do the same. So if a man marries a noble righteous woman, (while he is the same) then inshaAllah his life will be on the straight path. Prophet (s.a.w) said, "as for he whom Allah provides with a righteous woman, Allah has indeed helped him with half of his religion..." - [Al-Hakim]. Abu Sulaiman Ad-Darani said, "The righteous wife is not from the wrold, for indeed, she frees you - your time and energy - for the Hereafter," meaning a righteous woman turns the man's focus to the Hereafter instead of the material things of this world.
Second, as a father-in-law, he must inquire from his daughter-in-law about his son. Just as 'Amr bin al-'Aas would ask his daughter-in-law about the treatment she was receiving from her son, every father should make it a point, to make sure their sons are giving their wives, their marital rights. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, "The most complete of believers in his imaan is he who has the best manners and who is gentlest with his family." - [Ahmed] The Prophet (s.a.w) made himself an example for his followers saying, "The best among you is the best among you to his women, and i am better to my women than you are." - [Tirmidhi] Almost all in-laws expect their son's wives to take over the household responsibilities and manage all the chores and and errands from cooking, cleaning and laundry to hosting parties for their friends, drive them around town and help them with their business. In this case, wives become chattels. They have no say in living their own lives. It is like they were employed and not married. But the Prophet (s.a.w) was not like this with his wives. Aisha (r.a) said, "Prophet (s.a.w) would serve his family, and then when the tiem for prayer arrived, he would leave to pray." [Bukhari]. The Prophet (s.a.w) would buy groceries, knead the dough, milk the sheep, sweep the floor, switch clothes and shoes among other thing. He (s.a.w) would eat with his Aisha (r.a) from the same plate. He (s.a.w) would joke with her and race with her. He (s.a.w) would recite Qur'an to her, advise her, take her with him on his trips. He (s.a.w) arranged for her to learn literature, poetry and medicine.
How can husbands become like the Prophet (s.a.w) except if their fathers teach them. 'Amr ibn al-Aas (r.a) would ask his daughter-in-law, how her son was treating her and later he (r.a) took his son to the Prophet (s.a.w) because persisted in neglecting his wife. Would any father take his son to a Shaykh for counselling because he was not being a good husband? Many fathers-in-law do not even speak to their daughters-in-law, let alone know what sort of troubles they are going through. Ibn Battal said, "A husband should not overly exert himself in worship to the point that he cannot fulfill the rights of his wife, in terms of marital relations and earning (money to support her need)."
Whenever there is a marriage problem, we automatically blame the wives for not being compliant enough but do we ever wonder that many times husbands do not be give their wives company and do not help them manage the household because of which wives stop cooperating and caring. In this case, who will protect the women's right? Who will be tough on the husbands and send them home to be nice to their wives? Only fathers-in-law can accomplish this task.
Who are Muslims? Allah says, "The believers are only those who, when Allāh is mentioned, their hearts become fearful, and when His verses are recited to them, it increases them in faith; and upon their Lord they rely - The ones who establish prayer, and from what We have provided them, they spend." [Qur'an, 8:2-4] How can a person tremble from the fear of Allah when he hears the Qur'an, offers the Salah and gives in charity but doesn'tt feel anything when his son neglects his wife? Allah also says, "The believers are but brothers, so make settlement between your brothers. And fear Allāh that you may receive mercy." [Qur'an, 49:10] How can a person call himself a Muslim but not help his son and daughter-in-law get along in their marriage? How can we ever hope to attain Allah's mercy when husbands and wives are drifting apart in front of us and we are not doing anything to reconcile between them? Shouldn't fathers-in-law fear Allah about this responsibility?
Not that I think women should be treated like Queens or princesses as some Muslims feminists insist. There is no kingship in Islam, only Khilafah! So no, I don't want or think wives should be treated like royalty. That is too pretentious. However, I do say and believe in fair treatment. Just as a wife fulfills her end of the bargain and runs her husband's household, raises his children and supports him in his world and his religion, the husband should help her and look after her. Men must understand that women are social, so they enjoy talking and companionship. There is nothing that would make a woman feel more loved (and the ladies can correct me here) than her husband spending time with her and taking her opinion on things. So if a husband is not around much and not considerate of his wife, the fathers-in-law should be alarmed and take measures to fix the situation.
I liked how it focused on the other counterpart of in-laws. Usually we hear a lot about mother-in-laws and their role in marriage.
ReplyDeleteJazaakillaahu khayr for sharing!