What does it mean to be a Man and a Qawwam, the head of a Muslim Family?
Allah says in the Qur'an,
In the Qur'an, male headship is not about being a ruler or a superior. It is about being more responsible by doing more work. A Muslim man is the pillar of support in his home, the entire family leans on him for all their needs. With love and respect, he puts the need of his wife and children before his own. He dawns the cape of service, protection and guardianship. A Muslim man is responsible to nurture his family with his physical strength and financial prowess. He looks after them physically, emotionally and spiritually with gentle care and concern. He is committed to their well-being, happiness, success and safety.
Allah says in the Qur'an,
الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ فَالصَّالِحَاتُ قَانِتَاتٌ حَافِظَاتٌ لِّلْغَيْبِ بِمَا حَفِظَ اللَّهُ وَاللَّاتِي تَخَافُونَ نُشُوزَهُنَّ فَعِظُوهُنَّ وَاهْجُرُوهُنَّ فِي الْمَضَاجِعِ وَاضْرِبُوهُنَّ فَإِنْ أَطَعْنَكُمْ فَلَا تَبْغُوا عَلَيْهِنَّ سَبِيلًا إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيًّا كَبِيرًا
Men are the maintainers of women by [right of] what Allāh has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allāh would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allāh is ever Exalted and Grand. [Qur'an, 4:34]
Husband and wife are equal in value and spiritual importance, but are functionally different. Just like in a human body, though all organs are vital, they had different roles and must work together to make a healthy person. In a family, the husband and wife, though different, they live together with mutual respect to make a happy home. In the body, the function of a kidney is different from that of the lung, likewise men and women are also assigned different roles in the family, according to their inherent abilities. Though men and women are equal, but because of the biological make-up of men, men are endowed with more responsibility in the family and are thus more accountable before Allah (God-Almighty).
In Islam, male headship is NOT equivalent to male dominance or control over women. It neither warrants men, free-ticket to pressurize, terrorize or emotionally blackmail women. Or treat them as inferior, or subordinate to their own selves.
In the Qur'an, male headship is not about being a ruler or a superior. It is about being more responsible by doing more work. A Muslim man is the pillar of support in his home, the entire family leans on him for all their needs. With love and respect, he puts the need of his wife and children before his own. He dawns the cape of service, protection and guardianship. A Muslim man is responsible to nurture his family with his physical strength and financial prowess. He looks after them physically, emotionally and spiritually with gentle care and concern. He is committed to their well-being, happiness, success and safety.
On the flip side, wives also adore and admire husbands who are responsible, reliable and accountable. Husbands who are God-fearing and fulfill their duty to Allah by looking after the welfare of their families will enjoy happy marital lives. Moreover, wives want to love, cherish, appreciate and work alongside husbands who are sincere, mindful and considerate of them. Wives happily cooperate and compromise voluntarily with husbands who prioritize seeking the pleasure of Allah and in doing so, lovingly care for them and their children.
Whereas in the absence of effective male headship, divorce becomes an easy and quick solution to all martial discords. Women protest for "independence" from husbands who are too stern, rigid and unaccommodating, controlling, dominating, physically or emotionally abusive husbands. They find themselves playing the role of both mom and dad to their children by working long hours away from home. Husbands seek romance from other than their wives, women they can control which further exploits women.
Children are tossed between one parent to the other, the confusion destroys them emotionally; their grades at school suffer and their faith in God breaks into pieces. They grow up without learning any spiritual morals or socially acceptable manners. They live out what they observed from their parents: hatred, selfishness and greed towards the opposite gender.
Especially if one or both parents use alcohol or drugs, smoke or are promiscuous or criminally convicted, the children adopt the same addictions and abominations. It is not surprising that the worst serial murderers and rapists in the United States, all come from broken home families. Without male headship society is destined for total annihilation.
I know many Muslims and some non-Muslims will be opposed to this idea, maybe even call me a raving traditionalist. However, for men and women who want a happy marriage and emotionally stable children, I urge you (men) to provide for, protect and lead your families, in obedience to Allah and following the sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w). I urge you (women) to graciously collaborate with and complement the efforts of your husbands in doing the same.
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Source: Smith, Christian. Christian America? What Evangelicals really want. University of California Press Limited, England 2000.
It is a global breakdown of families, if not martial discord then financial strains often leave children with inadequate attention and guidance. Family is the primary means of instilling faith and morals in future generations, without united and functional parents, children suffer a loss of moral stability and religious roots. This in turn as a snowball effect, ungodly children grow up to have more children who lack discipline and good ethics. So for the sake of the future, we must reinstate the traditional, male-headed, nuclear family home system.
ReplyDeleteTargeting the government and speaking to political leaders to take actions that bolster families may be another way but this will not change society overnight. It is important that all men, as husbands and fathers, commit themselves to Allah and encourage their wives to be religious. Together, they should teach their children, the Islamic faith and values. Masajid should get involved and approach families with love. Masajid should offer support to parents, open classes and activities for men, women and children where Qur'anic teachings are reinforced and explained in the light of concurrent times. Arrange play-days and camping trips. Offer financial support to those who need it.
I think it does take a village to raise a child. But before that, it takes a family, a Masjid, and a community that is willing to take responsibility. Every person should take part in this relief effort to save our marriages and children for a better tomorrow. Offer help and assistance in any way you can to help people, old and young come closer to Allah and follow the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w).
Very interesting article on the lack of male headship and its side affects on society. Something really to think about and reflect. It may be late for someone of us, who have already ruined their marriages, but keep this in mind when raising your children. SuhanAllah: http://www.1stethical.com/2011/08/22/in-praise-of-traditional-women/
ReplyDeleteWomen are generally afraid of male headship because the previous centuries witnessed too many cruelties directed towards women. Its a shame the Judeo-Christian tradition marked women as the fall of men, his property and merchandise. In comparison, Prophet of Islam, Muhammad (s.a.w) was far more merciful and sympathetic. He (s.a.w) would tell his companions (r.a.), “The best treasure a man can hoard? It is a virtuous wife who fills him with joy whenever he looks towards her.”
ReplyDeleteYes there are some men who think its beneath them to compliment their wives, to smile at them, to put away a plate. They would isolate a women over a small argument for weeks of dreary depression. Constantly threat her with divorce and beat her. This is the way of a coward and a loser. The Last Prophet of Allah, Muhammad (s.a.w) loved his wife so much, he would speak frankly of her. He would kiss her before leaving the house for Salah. He stopped the entire Muslim army, in times of hostility in a region where there was no water to look for his wife's necklace. He would recite Qur'an to her, take her to watch sports, share the same eating utensil drinking utensil with her... sleep with his head in her lap. This is male headship.
Prophet (s.a.w) use to mend his clothes. Once he was sitting in the room, fixing his shoes when Aisha (r.a) saw him. She happened to look at his blessed forehead and noticed that there were beads of sweat on it. Mesmerized by the majesty of that sight she remained transfixed staring at him long enough for him to notice. The Prophet (s.a.w) said, “What’s the matter?”
ReplyDeleteShe replied, “If Abu Bukair Al-Huthali, the poet, saw you, he would know that his poem was written for you.”
The Prophet (s.a.w) asked, “What did he say?”
She replied, “Abu Bukair said that if you looked to the majesty of the moon, it twinkles and lights up the world for everybody to see.”
Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) got up, walked to Aisha, kissed her between the eyes, and said, “Wallahi ya Aisha, you are like that to me and more.”
This is male headship! This is the teaching of Islam.
Which woman would not want to follow a man like that?
In fact Aisha (r.a) used to say to the Prophet (s.a.w), "How can a woman like me, not be jealous over a man like you."
May Allah give us exponential love for our spouses with every glance aameen.