You know that awful sensation of indigestion, when you have been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you have swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable? It feels like something is squeezing your wind wipe, causing a stabbing ache in your aorta and breast bone as if someone is standing on your chest, puncturing your heart and spine. Your jaws feel heavy, your stomach nauseated? It sounds like a heart attack but its an really emotional pain of sorts.
InshaAllah your affliction is not from a physical injury, you are not fatally ill. It is only emotional sickness over a series of events but it feels like this agonizing convulsion will strain and explode your heart. You are hurt from the wounds of betrayal and the torment of being misunderstood. For sure your misery is unjust and unbearable.
You have cried enough times in silence then tried to make others see your point of view in anger and later frustration. But you know your pain will never subside for as long as your critics and oppressors walk freely to offend you again and again; as long as your loved ones do not empathize or as long as you do not get your revenge.
Sound familiar?
I feel bitter and depressed over my grievances from time to time as well. We may not let go
of the hurt for a long while, which is fair right? I mean, why should I forgive and move on when someone has made me suffer so much? You are right, it is not fair but by continuing to be sad you are inevitably increasing your pain and suffering.
Foremost, you are allowing Shaytan to control your life. Jealous competitions and hostile relations are the provocation of Shaytan. He aggravates the believers against each other with feelings of animosity. I am not saying that you are wrong in loathing the Masjid administration or resenting certain family members for being obnoxious and absurd. But constantly reacting with malice and being peevish about everything is from Shaytan. This is why the Prophet (s.a.w) said that the inner struggle to purify our hearts is, "the Greater Jihad" because it involves fighting the whispers and temptations of Shaytan, the hardest enemy. Secondly, the negative energy of our rancour and virulence damages relations with our loved ones. It tears them apart to see us all bruised and malevolent. They expect calmness and good will from us but we only show them our temper and irritation. We rob them of happiness and peace with our tantrums and conflicts. Our spouses, parents and friends deserve our pleasant company and good rapport. But we push them away from us by being blue and sullen all the time. Thirdly, I am sure you do not like being bummed out, feeling sorry for yourself and antagonized. It takes a toll on you and you would rather do something else with your heart and your life. So for the sake of ending Shaytan's influence over us, for the sake of saving our relations, and becoming a better person, we need to mend our hearts.
How?
Step 1. How to deal with critics?
There will always be people in your life who have nothing good to say about you. Its their nature to pry in your personal matters. They are impertinent and impolite but what are you going to do? Do not take them seriously. They are meddlesome by force of habit. If I were you, I would feel sorry for them. The Prophet (s.a.w) said that, “Whoever suffers an injury and forgives (the person responsible), Allah will raise his status to a higher degree and remove one of his sins.” (Al-Tirmidhi).
Step 2. How to deal with oppressors?
Do not allow the feeling of sadness, isolation or hopelessness overtake you. Do not resort to physical violence and corroding hatred. The Prophet (s.a.w) said that: “Allah had ordered me to maintain ties with those who sever ties with me, and to give to those who deprive me, and to forgive those who oppress me.” I know you wish you could shout at your arrogant siblings, ungenerous parents, reviling in-laws or pretentious cousins and God knows how many other brazen people but we know that our religion does not approve this etiquette. The Prophet (s.a.w) “...was not indecent, he was not obscene, he would not shout in the markets, and he would not respond to an evil deed with an evil deed, but rather he would pardon and overlook.” (Sunan At-Tirmidhi, Book of Righteousness, Number 2016, Sahih)
It is never a win-win situation if you make your relationship with someone "you do it, I do it back" kind of thing. It is natural to feel controlled and oppressed if someone tells you what to do all the time and does not let your make your own decisions.
First, give them the benefit of doubt, maybe they do not even know they are being restrictive. Consider negotiating: state your arguments in a logical fashion and try talking to them about it. Even if they turn you down, take it as an opportunity for round two and try again. However, if you are in a position where you can absolutely not risk speaking about the issue then be patient but with a clean heart. I know that substitution of desires sucks because it is not just something that someone is not letting you have but it is something that has special meaning for you. Maybe you can take your mind off it or placate yourself with something else meaningful? When I cannot have what I want, I find an alternative that will make me happy. Second, it is crucial to not to become cynical. Cynicism will only hurt you and make you contemptuous. There was a time when I also despised a lot of people who oppressed me. I hated myself for not being able to confront them. I scorned them in my heart and lived in a lot of pain until I decided to let it go.
Step 3. How to deal with your hurt?
If things are not working out the way you want, it is probably because Allah does not want those things for you. If you have sweat and cried over changing your circumstances but could not then maybe Allah does want to change your situation. Antipathy is not the answer, acceptance is. There was a man during the time of Prophet (s.a.w) who used to forgive all the people who hurt him that day each night before going to sleep. The Prophet (s.a.w) said this man is from the men of Jannah. What do you learn from this man? It is inevitable to get hurt. Intentionally, or unknowingly, someone will walk over you, treat you like a doorknob, break your heart, ruin your aspirations, make you feel useless and repulsed almost everyday. It could be the same person each day or many people at a time. It is a fact of life. The only way you can cope with this is by not taking any nonsense too seriously. Do not let it affect you, let it bounce off of you. InshaAllah, Allah will reward you with Jannah because you were patient and did not keep a grudge.
Step 4. How to not keep a grudge?
How do you know that you are not keeping a grudge? If you are merciful to the one who has hurt you then you are no longer letting their oppression and criticism affect you negatively. By showing mercy to them, you have proven that you have risen above dissension, the petty conflicts are beneath you. They are not for the people of your harmonious and constructive caliber. You are worth more than the problems people create, you command comfort and friendliness. You deserve better than selfish treatment so you will not heed their oppression and criticism.
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Prophet (s.a.w) was merciful; and no one would come to him in
need except that he would promise to help him and he would give him something if he had it. On one occasion the call to prayer had been given when a desert Arab came and he took hold of his shirt and he said, “I am still not satisfied!” The Arab had alarmed the Prophet’s wives but the Prophet went with him until the man received what he wanted; then he returned and prayed. (Al-Bukhari, Al-Adab Al-Mufrad, Number 278, Hasan) Notice how the Prophet (s.a.w) did not allow the Bedouin to continue behaving rudely with him. He (s.a.w) did not put up a fight with him for being irrational rather, he (s.a.w) cooperated with the Bedouin so he could leave. Even though it cost him (s.a.w) a delay in his Salah, which is sometimes the case, critics and oppressors waste a lot of our time. Nevertheless, if we quickly satisfy them without arguing in return or feeling disarrayed, we can move on with our tasks and lives with ease inshaAllah.
Step 5. How to forgive?
First, I strongly believe that we are partially responsible for the good and bad that happens to us in our lives. Say you were very rich at some point in your life and now you are poor. You were a social butterfly but you are feeling alone lately. You were healthy only suddenly to watch your body deteriorate. What happened? Did someone steal your money or your opportunities? Did someone steal your friends? Did someone demotivate you to stop caring? We blame our family or friends. They are at fault for failing our fiances and social circle? I think what we have or what we loose is from Allah. No one can steal Allah's blessings from us and we cannot acquire what Allah does not want us to have.
InshaAllah your affliction is not from a physical injury, you are not fatally ill. It is only emotional sickness over a series of events but it feels like this agonizing convulsion will strain and explode your heart. You are hurt from the wounds of betrayal and the torment of being misunderstood. For sure your misery is unjust and unbearable.
You have cried enough times in silence then tried to make others see your point of view in anger and later frustration. But you know your pain will never subside for as long as your critics and oppressors walk freely to offend you again and again; as long as your loved ones do not empathize or as long as you do not get your revenge.
Sound familiar?
I feel bitter and depressed over my grievances from time to time as well. We may not let go
Foremost, you are allowing Shaytan to control your life. Jealous competitions and hostile relations are the provocation of Shaytan. He aggravates the believers against each other with feelings of animosity. I am not saying that you are wrong in loathing the Masjid administration or resenting certain family members for being obnoxious and absurd. But constantly reacting with malice and being peevish about everything is from Shaytan. This is why the Prophet (s.a.w) said that the inner struggle to purify our hearts is, "the Greater Jihad" because it involves fighting the whispers and temptations of Shaytan, the hardest enemy. Secondly, the negative energy of our rancour and virulence damages relations with our loved ones. It tears them apart to see us all bruised and malevolent. They expect calmness and good will from us but we only show them our temper and irritation. We rob them of happiness and peace with our tantrums and conflicts. Our spouses, parents and friends deserve our pleasant company and good rapport. But we push them away from us by being blue and sullen all the time. Thirdly, I am sure you do not like being bummed out, feeling sorry for yourself and antagonized. It takes a toll on you and you would rather do something else with your heart and your life. So for the sake of ending Shaytan's influence over us, for the sake of saving our relations, and becoming a better person, we need to mend our hearts.
How?
Step 1. How to deal with critics?
There will always be people in your life who have nothing good to say about you. Its their nature to pry in your personal matters. They are impertinent and impolite but what are you going to do? Do not take them seriously. They are meddlesome by force of habit. If I were you, I would feel sorry for them. The Prophet (s.a.w) said that, “Whoever suffers an injury and forgives (the person responsible), Allah will raise his status to a higher degree and remove one of his sins.” (Al-Tirmidhi).
Step 2. How to deal with oppressors?
Do not allow the feeling of sadness, isolation or hopelessness overtake you. Do not resort to physical violence and corroding hatred. The Prophet (s.a.w) said that: “Allah had ordered me to maintain ties with those who sever ties with me, and to give to those who deprive me, and to forgive those who oppress me.” I know you wish you could shout at your arrogant siblings, ungenerous parents, reviling in-laws or pretentious cousins and God knows how many other brazen people but we know that our religion does not approve this etiquette. The Prophet (s.a.w) “...was not indecent, he was not obscene, he would not shout in the markets, and he would not respond to an evil deed with an evil deed, but rather he would pardon and overlook.” (Sunan At-Tirmidhi, Book of Righteousness, Number 2016, Sahih)
It is never a win-win situation if you make your relationship with someone "you do it, I do it back" kind of thing. It is natural to feel controlled and oppressed if someone tells you what to do all the time and does not let your make your own decisions.
First, give them the benefit of doubt, maybe they do not even know they are being restrictive. Consider negotiating: state your arguments in a logical fashion and try talking to them about it. Even if they turn you down, take it as an opportunity for round two and try again. However, if you are in a position where you can absolutely not risk speaking about the issue then be patient but with a clean heart. I know that substitution of desires sucks because it is not just something that someone is not letting you have but it is something that has special meaning for you. Maybe you can take your mind off it or placate yourself with something else meaningful? When I cannot have what I want, I find an alternative that will make me happy. Second, it is crucial to not to become cynical. Cynicism will only hurt you and make you contemptuous. There was a time when I also despised a lot of people who oppressed me. I hated myself for not being able to confront them. I scorned them in my heart and lived in a lot of pain until I decided to let it go.
Step 3. How to deal with your hurt?
If things are not working out the way you want, it is probably because Allah does not want those things for you. If you have sweat and cried over changing your circumstances but could not then maybe Allah does want to change your situation. Antipathy is not the answer, acceptance is. There was a man during the time of Prophet (s.a.w) who used to forgive all the people who hurt him that day each night before going to sleep. The Prophet (s.a.w) said this man is from the men of Jannah. What do you learn from this man? It is inevitable to get hurt. Intentionally, or unknowingly, someone will walk over you, treat you like a doorknob, break your heart, ruin your aspirations, make you feel useless and repulsed almost everyday. It could be the same person each day or many people at a time. It is a fact of life. The only way you can cope with this is by not taking any nonsense too seriously. Do not let it affect you, let it bounce off of you. InshaAllah, Allah will reward you with Jannah because you were patient and did not keep a grudge.
Step 4. How to not keep a grudge?
How do you know that you are not keeping a grudge? If you are merciful to the one who has hurt you then you are no longer letting their oppression and criticism affect you negatively. By showing mercy to them, you have proven that you have risen above dissension, the petty conflicts are beneath you. They are not for the people of your harmonious and constructive caliber. You are worth more than the problems people create, you command comfort and friendliness. You deserve better than selfish treatment so you will not heed their oppression and criticism.
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Prophet (s.a.w) was merciful; and no one would come to him in
Step 5. How to forgive?
This is a hard one, I admit. How do you absolve someone of guilt of the wrong they have done to you? How do you cancel all liability off of them for their hurtful criticism? How do you remit their oppression and give up all claim to any compensation just like that? Indeed, it is very hard.
First, I strongly believe that we are partially responsible for the good and bad that happens to us in our lives. Say you were very rich at some point in your life and now you are poor. You were a social butterfly but you are feeling alone lately. You were healthy only suddenly to watch your body deteriorate. What happened? Did someone steal your money or your opportunities? Did someone steal your friends? Did someone demotivate you to stop caring? We blame our family or friends. They are at fault for failing our fiances and social circle? I think what we have or what we loose is from Allah. No one can steal Allah's blessings from us and we cannot acquire what Allah does not want us to have.
وَمَا أَصَابَكُم مِّن مُّصِيبَةٍ فَبِمَا كَسَبَتْ أَيْدِيكُمْ وَيَعْفُو عَن كَثِيرٍ
"And whatever strikes you of disaster - it is for what your hands have earned; but He pardons much." (42:30)
From this verse we can stipulate that if there was no barakah in your salary then it may be because you are spending your earning on something haram or not spending your money to fulfill your obligations. For instance, Allah clearly states in Surah al Baqarah that He destroys all transactions based on interest and that He multiplies trade and blesses charity. This means that a person may go from being rich to poor if she is involved with interest. Similarly, if you lost your job or your friends are not returning your phone calls and hanging out without you then maybe this is the retribution of a sin or negligence of ibadaah. Like according to the meaning of one hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said two people who are friends do not become distant and unconcerned with each other unless one of them commits a sin. The sin removes the fondness which Allah created between them out of His mercy. The gist of another prophetic hadith (s.a.w) is that a person comes close to Allah through performing obligatory ibadaah then draws even nearer by practicing voluntary acts of worship until Allah loves her in return and moves the people to adore her and treat her affectionately. It is implied here that a person can go from being popular, enjoying a good reputation to being completely forgotten, misunderstood and even disdained is because of disobedience to Allah or Allah of genuine effort to come close to Allah. So before we feel we are unduly criticized or oppressed, let us see if we have upset Allah to provoke our misery as a warning to renew our commitments and thereby relationship with Allah. We do not need to forgive anyone as much as we need to get ourselves forgiven by Allah first.
Second, I strongly believe every phase of our life is a test from Allah. As kids, we were criticized by our parents. Why can't you get better grades? Why can't you be more like so-and-so? Why is your room so messy? Why do you wake up so late? You should do this! You should not do that! Why are you so thin? Why don't you loose some weight? An average Muslim in North America is probably nagged for 20 years on average by their parents on anything and everything. Simultaneously affecting us is the sibling rivalry. The brothers always get more time out of the house, less chores inside the house. They get their driving licence, they go on their first vacation alone, they start working and move out all before the sisters. The sisters get more gift money from parents to shop, they have to worry less about grades or degree. They get free rides everywhere, they do not have to take the bus. They get their own cellphones, TV and laptop in their rooms all before the brothers. Whether you grew up as a son or a daughter, at some point you definitely felt oppressed. Your parents gave all your rights to your brother/sister. Your siblings encroached upon what really belonged to you. Then you get married and the criticism is now pelted by your in-laws. They don't like the way you dress, the way you cook. They think you do not know anything or they are annoyed that you act like a know-it-all. They find you too rude or too quiet. Regardless to what you do, you cannot satisfy everyone all the time. At the same time, you feel your spouse is somethings oppressing you: husband thinks he does not get any space, the wife feels he is not giving her enough time. She is spending all the money, he is not able to save anything for the future. She is initiating all the date nights, he does not care for intimacy. If you have lived through some of these phases then you probably had wanted to pull your hair out or smash your head in the wall. This is not necessary if you reflect upon the following verses,
وَجَعَلْنَا بَعْضَكُمْ لِبَعْضٍ فِتْنَةً أَتَصْبِرُونَ وَكَانَ رَبُّكَ بَصِيرًا
And We have made some of you [people] as trial for others - will you have patience? And ever is your Lord, Seeing. [25:20]
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا إِنَّ مِنْ أَزْوَاجِكُمْ وَأَوْلَادِكُمْ عَدُوًّا لَّكُمْ فَاحْذَرُوهُمْ وَإِن تَعْفُوا وَتَصْفَحُوا وَتَغْفِرُوا فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ
إِنَّمَا أَمْوَالُكُمْ وَأَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنَةٌ وَاللَّهُ عِندَهُ أَجْرٌ عَظِيمٌ
O you who have believed, indeed, among your wives and your children are enemies to you, so beware of them. But if you pardon and overlook and forgive - then indeed, Allah is Forgiving and Merciful. Your wealth and your children are but a trial, and Allah has with Him a great reward. [64:14-15]
Allah says people are a fitnah; their appraisal and abuse is from Allah's Hand. He tests us through their criticism and oppression. So no need to snap at something which is ordained by Allah or hurt yourself. No one is out to get you, no one hates you, you are not a bad person and your life does not suck. Don't overreact. Your life is perfectly stable and in Allah's control. Simply be patient, pardon and move on. Allah is Watching and offering a great reward for this fitnah. Now thats a steal deal!
The world is a glamourous place, with countless attractions, temptations and activities. But it is a prison for the believers because we cannot have it all. Sometimes our own abilities and at other times people will chide your efforts or coerce your potential We can either fuss and fret or forgive and continue going forward accepting the bullying and despotism as Allah's test for which is a great reward in a better place. There is nothing that you can have in this dunya on your own, by way of fighting your critics and oppressors which would compare to Allah's great reward in Jannah. The best option here is to not keep a grudge and continue dealing others with mercy in hopes that Allah will See and Appreciate our resilience with Jannah inshaAllah.
The world is a glamourous place, with countless attractions, temptations and activities. But it is a prison for the believers because we cannot have it all. Sometimes our own abilities and at other times people will chide your efforts or coerce your potential We can either fuss and fret or forgive and continue going forward accepting the bullying and despotism as Allah's test for which is a great reward in a better place. There is nothing that you can have in this dunya on your own, by way of fighting your critics and oppressors which would compare to Allah's great reward in Jannah. The best option here is to not keep a grudge and continue dealing others with mercy in hopes that Allah will See and Appreciate our resilience with Jannah inshaAllah.
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