My Family Thinks I am an Extremist (?)

You may not smoke, date, wear revealing clothes, curse or talk back for that matter. But your family still thinks you are extreme - religiously extreme that is. They will propose or state something outrageous about your beard or hijab. They will oppose your increasing visitation to the Masjid, dislike you reading books or not talking to your cousins. They will be loaded with viewpoints of how it is more spiritual to spend time with the family (watching half naked actresses in a movie or backbitting about relatives) or how your parents are always right even though they are committing major sins. So to get back to your cry that your family thinks you are an extremist, I don't think they are conscious enough to know what they are saying. I do know that if a person cares deeply about understanding her religion and puts the utmost importance on the Qur'an and the sunnah; and she certainly does not subscribe to any tradition or custom that requires her to check out her taqwa at the door before entering then I guess you could call her a godly person (Arabic word for Rabbani).

A growing number of Muslims only want to confine religion to the masjid - we don't want to bring it in our home or at work where it actually matters.

They can't have have religious ideas promoted because they do not want any critical examination of their behaviour and choice to take place in light of religion. In other words, they do not want to be exposed to any ayaah or hadith that might ban their source of income, relationships and/or favourite hobby. So they try to get a monopoly over how much you practice your religion in front of them. The more you practice your religion, the more you discredit them as bad Muslims.
 Of course this not your intention at all. Your passion to follow the Qur'an and Sunnah comes from your love of Allah which is not only theoretical, but also practical. This is what makes them uneasy because you treat praying, modesty, kindness etc not as options on a good day but as everyday obligations. They are especially outraged that you would listen to a lecture or ask a scholar rather than just take it easy and make up an excuse.  They just want to see Islam as a scientific phenomena, look at all the miracles in the Qur'an, isn't it great? As if to them, Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) is equivalent to Einstein for Muslims.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about what is religious and what is extreme. I think many people do violate religion to justify their lack of consideration for their family - whether it is a husband who does not provide for his family because he thinks it is more important for him to go for jamaat for 4 months and 40 days. Or for a mother to beat and swear at her children as she wants because Allah has put Paradise beneath her feet. I think talking about the correct interpretation of Islam is  necessary so it is not abused to justify anyone's cruel means. At the same time I know that it is every young person's nightmare to have angry parents uproar about their son or daughter making more reward than bucks or grades - I am going through it and I am surviving it. The problem, as I see it, is that we shy away from the challenge of truly educating our families about religion because we do not want any more confrontation.
This is why a lot of young kids and couples are depressed these days; their parents are not giving them a chance to hear out, discuss and debate counter arguments. Consequently, the generation gap between parents and their children is widening. In homes where academic discussion about religion is deflected to argue about who is more guilty and blameworthy of the two parties, you have subsequently lower peace and well-being. Yes, I find it so odd that when people do not follow the religion, they do not let you follow it either. Here is another irony, Allah says,

وَآتَيْنَاهُم بَيِّنَاتٍ مِّنَ الْأَمْرِ فَمَا اخْتَلَفُوا إِلَّا مِن بَعْدِ مَا جَاءهُمْ الْعِلْمُ بَغْيًا بَيْنَهُمْ إِنَّ رَبَّكَ يَقْضِي بَيْنَهُمْ يَوْمَ الْقِيَامَةِ فِيمَا كَانُوا فِيهِ يَخْتَلِفُونَ

And We gave them clear proofs of the matter [of religion]. And they did not differ except after knowledge had come to them - out of jealous animosity between themselves. Indeed, your Lord will judge between them on the Day of Resurrection concerning that over which they used to differ. [Qur'an, 45:17]  

The clear proofs are evidences from the Qur'an and Sunnah which Allah revealed to tell us about our religion. Is there only 1 periodic table? Will we ever dispute about the number of hydrogen atoms in one molecule of water? Will 6 be evenly divisible by 7 or 3627? Will the days of the week every change from friday, saturday, sunday, monday to friday, monday, tuesday, wednesday? No, we wouldn't dream of such a discrepenacy. It would be illogical, unprecedented, impossible! Then why would Allah command us to desist from alcohol, it is from the filth of shaytan [5:91] and then be okay with us drinking alcohol because He didn't explicitly say that it is

haram? Or wear an abaya, cover your face [35:55] but not wear hijab because He again does not explicitly say hijab but khimaar? Allah commanded husbands to give their wives peaceful, nonwarring homes, where there is harmony and where you do not face any hostility, fighting and antagonism. Do not harm your wives or oppress them [65:6] and then He will assume that is piety on women's behalf to live and serve their inlaws where there is no freedom only constant strife? Its all blatantly contradictory isn't it? It would make you want to pull your hair out because it doesn't make any sense. How can two distinctly opposite things exist together in the same Law Book by one Legislator? Its like arguing the Canadian Penal Code states first degree murder is legal and illegal. No judge or jury would ever buy that. What is wrong, is wrong is wrong. There is no other way of getting around it. Yet we subscribe to this demented mentality when it comes to Islamic interpretation. Allah asks,

هَلْ يَسْتَوِي الأَعْمَى وَالْبَصِيرُ أَفَلاَ تَتَفَكَّرُونَ 

Say, "Is the blind equivalent to the seeing? Then will you not give thought?" [6:50]

Then can people who do not know how to recite the Qur'an, even read the alphabets properly be the same as people who have ijazah in tajweed? Can those who do not understand the Qur'an be equivalent to those who have qualification in Arabic and tafseer? The difference is a bunch of elders who are out of touch with the reality of Islam. There is a serious harm in the practice of pretending you know the evidence and facts from the Qur'an and Sunnah. The danger is self-proclaimed righteousness and hatred towards those who are working hard to be pure. Can we really afford to have a growing number of parents view coming home for iftaar and going for Taraweeh as disparaging and offensive as compared to making a 100K a night or studying in the library instead? What is happening is that young Muslims or young Muslim couples are being forced to give up religion because of internal family politics. Who doesn't love money? Who doesn't want to boast that their son or daughter is a doctor or a public school teacher? Or she cook and clean all day? But to ask your kids to be selective Muslims so that (a) you do not feel less of a Muslim in front of them and (b) you can guarantee 100%  victory the next time aunties and uncles sit and compare their kids is, I conclude extremism for the dunya.

This dunya, and by extension I mean all material comforts, assets and cultural values are not worth a wing of a mosquito so get over it. You don't have kids so you can use them to create your empire when they are older. You are suppose to have kids so you can increase the Muslim population. Didn't the Prophet Muhammed (s.a.w) say, "I will be proud of your great numbers before other nations (on the day of Judgement." [Abu Dawood, classified as Saheeh by Shaykh Albani]. Are we raising kids the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) will be proud of on the Day of Judgement or are we pushing our children away from Islam by always judging them and taunting them for their newfound efforts to practice the faith? Will their degree, or pay stub or cooking skills or the lack thereof really matter in their graves or on the Day of Judgment if it was not acquired with a religious intention/ to serve a religious purpose? Read the following verse very carefully,

قُل لاَّ يَسْتَوِي الْخَبِيثُ وَالطَّيِّبُ وَلَوْ أَعْجَبَكَ كَثْرَةُ الْخَبِيثِ فَاتَّقُواْ اللّهَ يَا أُوْلِي الأَلْبَابِ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

Say, "Not equal are the evil and the good, although the abundance of evil might impress you." So fear Allah , O you of understanding, that you may be successful. [5:100]

Your life will never be happy or successful if you divorce religion from your day to day responsibilities. 

To parents: give your kids a chance; peak into their books and lectures - hear about what they are

learning/doing. More importantly, generate some respectful discussion on the topic of religion without completely blowing up into their face. My hope in all of this is that you will think critically about your own shortcomings as a Muslim and question your own religious commitments twice before you find faults in your kids. You are answerable to Allah not only for how you treat your kids but also on how you raise them. Because Paradise is in the service of one's mother or father is the middle gate of Paradise, does not mean that mom and dad by default automatically go to Paradise. Parents can easily go to Hellfire by dint of to their cruelty and coarseness.

To young Muslims and young Muslim couples: Your parents are worried about their and your financial future. After their struggle to establish themselves and to provide for you, they are hoping that you would be more deliberate and in fact vigilant in keeping a roof on top of their heads and food on the table. As a matter of fact, they fear that you will give up on looking after them because of the increase number of hours you have been spending away from them at the Masjid, Dawah tables or charity fundraisers. Of course they are also a little bit confused about religion because of the stereotypes they grew up with. So they are not always aware of the many religious things you say/do and the evidence behind them. Still you must not say even uff to your parents. 

They will be bankrupt of the reward of their Salah, fasts and Zakah for hurling abuses at you, slandering and defaming you in front of others, taking away your things. Whatever you suffer, in terms of their speech or from their actions, Allah would credit to your account, their reward or enter your sins into their account. Of course we do not wish this for our families. We want to be from those people "who will be in . gardens and pleasures. Enjoying what their Rabb has given them...protected them from punishment of Hellfire. [They will] eat and drink in satisfaction...they will be reclining on thrones lined up... [they will be ] those who believed and whose descendants followed them in faith..[they will be provided] with fruit and meat from whatever they desire....They will exchange with one another cup of wine wherein results no ill  speech or commission of sin. And they will approach one another, inquiring of each other, they will say, "Indeed, we were previously among our families fearful of displeasing Allah. So Allah conferred favour upon us and protected us from the punishment of the scorching fire. Indeed, we used to supplicate Him before. Indeed, it is He who is the merciful." [52:18-28]

So here is what you do...

(a) Supplicate before Allah to put mercy in the hearts of your parents and your families for the teachings of Islam and for you. 

(b) Try to make your interaction with your parents more encouraging - of course I am assuming you do not talk back to them ever. Tell them more about Paradise, like these verses. Share with the stories of sahaba and sahabiyat - this will not only spark their interest (who doesn't like a good story?) but also help them realize that religion comes sometimes at the cost of this dunya. I can't miss my salah and be a good Muslim at the same time? I can't cheat and engage in fraudulent behaviour if I claim to fear Allah. I can't live to cook, eat and entertain guests all the time if I am trying to adopt asceticism. Love of Allah and love of this dunya cannot be gathered in the same heart - this generates hypocrisy. 

(c) If they don't change right away, if they are still mean to you - don't let that discourage you. If you are demoralized, how will they find their morale? How will they find motivation? So you cannot be taken by their ignorant rants. They are not insulting you, they are insulting Allah and His Messenger - no doubt authority, respect and  dignity belong to Allah alone. Don't ever think that they can falsify Allah's command or make His religion weaker. Allah Owns the Truth, He is the ultimate reality. Allah gave them the tongue, the ability to speak, their intelligence which they are abusing to disrespect Him. But He can never be dishonoured because Allah owns all prestige and power. So you don't take it personally or grieve about it. Allah has heard the filth that comes out of their mouths. So keep moving despite their negative speech. Their hate and aggressive animosity is ugly and hurtful but do not let that get to you. Allah told the Prophet (s.a.w) the same thing,

وَلاَ يَحْزُنكَ قَوْلُهُمْ إِنَّ الْعِزَّةَ لِلّهِ جَمِيعًا هُوَ السَّمِيعُ الْعَلِيمُ

أَلا إِنَّ لِلّهِ مَن فِي السَّمَاوَات وَمَن فِي الأَرْضِ وَمَا يَتَّبِعُ الَّذِينَ يَدْعُونَ مِن دُونِ اللّهِ شُرَكَاء إِن يَتَّبِعُونَ إِلاَّ الظَّنَّ وَإِنْ هُمْ إِلاَّ يَخْرُصُونَ

And let not their speech grieve you. Indeed, honor [due to power] belongs to Allah entirely. He is the Hearing, the Knowing. Unquestionably, to Allah belongs whoever is in the heavens and whoever is on the earth. And those who invoke other than Allah do not [actually] follow [His] "partners." They follow not except assumption, and they are not but falsifying. [10:65-66] 

So Allah owns them too. What does it mean to Allah belongs whatever is in the skies and whatever is in the

earth? Allah owns them too. So don't think they will get away with the hatred, the name-calling, threats and humiliation. But this is not something which should interfere with your religion. Don't get influenced by their negative words, become reactionary - busy in arguing and fighting back with them - this is not what you are suppose to be doing! This is a distraction! Learning about the religion properly, living it and calling other people to Islam is your real mission - your true calling. 

All The Best.