Coping with a Dysfunctional Family

What is the secret to a happy, purposeful  life? Many of us think that our family is the key. It may seem like common sense but it does not make it true. Relationships are not the only thing that matter in life - help us grow, shape our values or change. If happiness is the cart; successful career, money and good physical health is the horse. I say this not to undermine the importance of maintaining good family ties but because sometimes coping with loved ones can be a very psychologically traumatic experience. Who doesn't want supportive, loving relationships to be happy? However, more often than not, parents will say to us very sicking and hurtful things. Or own siblings and friends will scar us. Sometimes we will suffer emotionally at the hands of our spouses. In general, the reality we face is that the people who are supposed to make us feel loved and protected are those who damage us intentionally, or without knowing. In these cases, individuals who think that good family relations are the pillar of happiness, will never be able to push their sadness and loneliness away. 

This is not to say that a person should replace her love for her family with love for money and power. Family is a small part of a much larger picture - and while family looms large for us in the moment, their importance is diminished when viewed in the context of our happiness. If your family has emotionally bankrupted you from the simple joys of life - excluding you from every family event, taking advantage of the favours you do for them etc - you feel really emptied out then obviously your family does not correlate with your inner well-being. Maybe you need to start looking for contentment elsewhere. 

You prospects for your life's satisfaction to come from your family are very bleak. Allah says in

Surah Hajj that you and what you seek [from your loved ones] are weak. Why would you bet your life on someone who cannot give you anything because even they need Allah for what they have. If Allah has not given them the capacity to be caring and helping - don't feel sorry for yourself, feel sorry for them! Once a Bedouin man saw the Prophet (s.a.w) kissing one of his children or grand children. He was stupefied, "O Messenger of Allah, you kiss your kids? I have 10 kids and I have never kissed any one of them ever." The Prophet (s.a.w) had no sympathy for this wretched individual because Allah did not put any affection or mercy in his heart. It is parents like these who drive their teenagers to attempt suicide in order to escape the instability and insecurity at home.  So don't be ashamed if your family doesn't make feel loved - you are not the only one. Even the Prophet (s.a.w) maintained a distance from his dysfunctional family.

The more goals you achieve in life, the better you feel. Our ambitions to do great things are far better than appeasing perpetually unsatisfied relatives. Find a connection at work, or in one of your university courses. Follow your dreams of learning broadcasting, Photoshop or cake decorating. As life goes on, our goals become even more crucial. Even if your family is perfect, it is bound to scatter or eventually pass away. As much as we want to, we cannot cling to our parents and siblings forever. Someone will get a better job in Halifax, someone will get married in Dubai. We will be forced to move out because own personal needs are too big to be accommodated by the family home. Someone will pass away. Bottom line is, like everything else, family ties do not last.  So if you want yourself to grow as a person and support lower stress levels - you will have to find something other than your family to live for. 

You may be thinking, how can I do something with my life after a terrible childhood and painful relations? I know there are situations that are very difficult to forgive and get over. 
First, ask Allah to give your heart strength to think clearly. Allow Allah to intervene into your state and give you peace of mind and tranquility. Whether it is fear, grief or anger that you are going through, make duaa to Allah to remove it from you entirely and guide you. 
Second, make the Qur'an something you tie your emotions to and keep your feelings together. You will be more calm and normal when you make a habit of reciting the Qur'an daily. Your inflamed wounds will heal when  you realize by understanding the Qur'an that Allah loves you and He has a plan for you. You are never alone and Allah is the closest to you. Allah says, "Fear not. Indeed, I am with you [both], I hear and I See." (20:46) The Qur'an gives us confidence that: (a) Allah is near (b) there is always wisdom and reward behind our problems and (c) Allah brings out ease from hardship. 
Thirdly, deal with your family challenges by being productive. The more you stay in a vegetative state at home, the more you will be depressed and become accustomed to being miserable all the time. This phase is absolutely self-destructive. Go out and find something creative to do so you can not only distract yourself from all the fights at home but also learn to feel good about yourself by gagging in imaan-boasting activities.