Lecture Review: Happiness in the Home

Individualism has infected our understanding of what a family is supposed to be and how a family is supposed to function. Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda’s lecture, “Happiness in the Home” takes a hard look at the type of radically absolute individualism that is weakening family bonds. 

This extreme individualism is known by slogans such as: 

·      Be true to yourself

·      Follow your heart

·      Find yourself

Sometimes in pursuit of extreme individualism, the beauty of family, which is meant to welcome rather than exclude, show compassion rather than condemn, attract rather than impose is lost and irreversibly damaged. 

People who prioritize extreme individualism become so intoxicated with their personal goals and pleasures that often, despite living under the same roof, they do not see or speak to their family members for days.  Each person becomes withdrawn, living in their own cocoon, isolated from the rest of the family.  

They no longer embrace intimate membership into their family. Some monetary privileges and perks may hold these individuals together superficially as a family to the outside, but the real  plot line for many of these people is that they want to be alone and away from their families. The family as institution is resisted so the individual can find himself/herself. 

Sometimes finding yourself means expressing yourself over against your family timetable. 

Radically individualist people chart their own course in life. If their family asks for their time, suddenly they claim that 'they need space' or 'privacy'. What they do and when, is no one else’s business. 

Shaykh Nasir Jangda explained that family relationships, deserve the highest commitment of undivided loyalty, relational solidary, and personal sacrifice. How we spend our free time should be made in the context of family. Shaykh Nasir reminded us that "fun family time"  and "meaning family time" is an act of worship. Allah rewards us for our joyful interactions with our family. 

This requires that we do not live for our own selfish indulgences. We live for our loved ones create a home where support, strength, comfort and joy is offered and reciprocated. 

The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) was acutely aware of the needs of his family and he was willing to care for them. This included practical needs as well as things like consistent companionship and caring interpersonal connection. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) kneaded the dough with his wives and had water fights. He (s.a.w) broomed the floor of his apartment and raced with his spouse outside in the garden. The Prophet (s.a.w) mended his clothes while he created romantic couplets and poems. Using his life as a role model, he structured a blueprint for family time: ‘the best of you are those who are the best to their families. I am the best to my family.’ 

The hadith always prompts me to ask myself:
1. Do you have the best time with your family when you interact with them? If not then how can I improve?
2. How can you hope to be the best Muslim when your relationship with your family is not at its best? 

The radical individualism slogan should be revised to orient the family as thus: 

• ·       You be you (with your family). 
• ·       Be true to yourself (your family).
• ·       Follow (Give) your heart (to your family). 
• ·       Find yourself (time for your family). 

 Shaykh Nasir Jangda shares some basic principles, to help families grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally.

Be with your family .  Your family needs your presence.  They regard your very presence as a sign of caring and connectedness.  It's crucial for you to spend as much time as possible with them.  Keep in mind that your job as a husband/wife parent/child is a calling from Allah - more important than any other work you do, including the job you get paid to do - and your influence on your family will be your greatest legacy.  Your family craves your presence, and nothing can make up for your absence.  You are all they have in this world and they are all you got. 

Be true to your family -  Express affirmation, warmth and encouragement to your spouse and children. Families who practise saying ‘I love you’ as opposed to ‘Leave me alone’ or ‘Go away!’ will find themselves more emotionally secure and connected. So avoid using sarcasm with your parents and spouse; do not compare your children or siblings with other kids . Instead, aim to make your family feel accepted, appreciated, listened to and loved for who they are. They will you spoil you with admiration, confidence and joy in return,. Rather than just jumping into to-do lists, give lots of physical affection like hugs, kisses and back rubs. Have relaxing conversations with your family that are not work, homework or chores related. 

Give your heart to your family.  Giving a little bit of your love to your family is one of the main purposes of having a family. Why else would anyone get married and have children if not for love and companionship? Huma beings need love; love is received when it is given. Love is not on social media, or distinct hobbies and careers or even extravagant indulgences. Love is received when you come to you family with compassion, comfort, upliftment and inspiration. 

Endeavours that are outside the family or do not include the family, never bring lasting joy.
Even when you manage to get short-term gratification from your radical individualism and freedom from family , it doesn’t heal your longing for happiness and human connection; it only enhances your shenpa (getting hooked). Trying to find lasting happiness and human connection from relationships or possession outside the family is like drinking salt water to quench your thirst. 

 When you offer some your life – your time and self to your family, you receive their loving hearts. 

Find time for your family.  There is nothing like play to bring about family togetherness.  Make time for vacations together, do something fun when your family for at least 30 minutes everyday when you come home from work or school, go on frequent outings (from getting ice cream out to playing sports, go on dates), share holiday traditions, enjoy humor together, and work on charity service projects together.  Sharing playful experiences will build family memories that will bond you all in powerful ways.

  

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Celebrating (Positive) Masculinity

We will not have happy workplaces, contented homes, and fruitful religious congregations until men and women learn to respect one another, their similarities and differences. Certainly, we don’t want to get so hyper-sensitive that we cannot stand each other’s existence without constantly finding faults in one another. I have a dream, that there will be genuine love and respect across the gender lines one day!

The article does not seek to bash men for their masculinity but to encourage men to use the height of their masculine prowess in a manner that pleases Allah and earns His rewards. Also, for those young men looking to get married or married men looking to solve some basic problems in their marriage, you might appreciate a woman's perspective. 

Learning to be a man who loves his wife, requires a certain amount of self-reflection and religious study. A man must learn from the best, the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) who both was the epitome of mercy for all human beings. He (s.a.w) was also profoundly in love and compassionate towards his wives. Mercy and love can be embodied in perfect masculinity. 

1. Love her with your Patience, not with your strength or your intelligence.

Men identify with mental and physical strength as part and parcel of their male persona. Allah made men to have strength as Qawwam (Quran, 4:34). In addition to being physically stronger, a lot of pressure is placed on men to overachieve academically and financially. For these reasons, men can be tempted to value their worth and express their love towards their wives (mothers or sisters), based only in what they can accomplish with their minds and bodies. But strength and worth are not interconnected. A woman may be initially attracted to a man because of his strength and his intelligence but she will love and respect him more, because of his patience and forbearance. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) defined physical strength as becoming a man of stoicism, self-control and mildness. 

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The strong are not the best wrestlers. Verily, the strong are only those who control themselves when they are angry.” Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5763, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2609

Although men may have a psychological propensity to feel anger more deeply and excessively than

women, strength is not an excuse to embroil one’s life with anger or violence. In this hadith, the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) is calling upon men to tame their emotions with gentleness and prudence.  Allah gave men strength not so they could exercise brutish force and tyrannical authority over the women in their lives. Rather a man becomes a Qawwam when he realizes that he is given strength by Allah, in order to shoulder his responsibilities towards his family with greater efficacy. 

1.     Yes, as a man you can shout louder in an argument.  Speak softly anyway. Allah gave you strength as a gift and as a test.

2.     Yes, as a man you can be stern and scary when you are upset. Smile and show mercy anyway. Allah gave you this strength as a gift and as a test.

3.     Yes, as a man you are physically stronger and taller.  Be gentle and humble anyway. Allah gave you strength as a gift and as a test.

4.     Yes, as a man you can be more determined and focused when you choose. Be considerate and accommodating anyway. Allah gave you strength as a test.

5.     Yes, as a man no one can stop you or hold you back, but be fair, just and Allah-fearing anyway. Allah gave you strength as a gift and as a test.

When as a man you draw upon your strength as a gift and as a test from Allah, the piousness with which you use this strength becomes a means to draw you closer to Allah and His reward. 

2. Cherish the women in your lives: admire, appreciate, protect and care for them lovingly. 

Our culture teaches men that women are something to be conquered. A man is told that he must achieve optimum strength, intelligence and money so that he can have any woman that he wants. Women - your wives and marriage partners are first and foremost complete human beings with intelligence, hopes, dreams, opinions. They have the ability to love but also the need to be loved. When you as a husband treat your wife as an object for domestic service or pleasure—whether it is in a relationship or through fantasy and pornography—you cripple their own capacity to value and appreciate your wife holistically as a human being who enjoys an independent existence beyond your ego and your needs. Do not turn your wife into a means to an end; she is your equal, your companion and your spouse to share and beautify life’s journey. 

"…And live with them in kindness…" (Quran 4:19)

This is a command from Allah The Almighty, which implies a sense of obligation and duty a man owes to a woman (his wife, mother and sister). Scholars said that living in kindness is an mandatory right of a wife. If her husband denies her kindness, he bears a sin while if he fulfils it, he will deserve reward. 

A companion (r.a) asked the Prophet (s.a.w) what is the right of a wife over her husband?’  He (s.a.w) said, "That you feed her when you eat and clothe her when you clothe yourself and do not strike her.  Do not malign her and do not keep apart from her.” Abu Daud.

The lesson we learn here is exercising basic kindness by:

1. Husband taking the wife out to eat with him (date nights)
2. Husband spending on his wife (take her shopping); his dressing attractively for her as much as he wishes her to dress attractively for him!
3. Husband respecting and honouring his wife's physical body and emotions
4. Husband spending quality time with his wife to make her feel loved and give her a sense of belonging with him

With all the challenges of marriage, kindness is medicinal and therapeutic. Every stage of life comes with its share of issues and stresses. Heaven on earth and Heaven in the Hereafter is attainable when we lighten up and become kind towards our families. 

Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Those who are merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth and the One in the heavens will have mercy upon you.” Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1924

3. Stay away from women who place their desires for happiness entirely on material things and physical accomplishments.

There is an enormous difference between hoping that one's husband will lead her to happiness and better things in life and being convinced that her husband will BRING her all material things she fancies in life. Many women have fallen for marriage as a means to achieve financial independence. They are hunting for men who will fund the fairy-tale of their dreams. Women who envision a marriage in which men are financial servants and they are Queens. If their financial demands are not met , they easily resort emotionally abusive and toxic behaviour and blackmail towards their husbands. 

The whole contract of marriage becomes mechanical, transactional and spiritless. Ladies, a husband cannot be acquired without the wife fostering any special love or respect for him. Be a wife who values and appreciates the  support, comfort, confidence and companionship of her husband. 

Brothers, the woman that you can take to the Masjid for Nikkah should be someone who has been there many times before (she frequents the Masjid for worship, knowledge and service). She seeks happiness with Allah, in His remembrance and obedience. She is willing to place her trust in her husband to strengthen her relationship with Allah. 

A faithful man should marry a woman who works hard on her faith , her character and is willing to put equal amount of work in her marriage; someone who will be staunch and loyal in her Deen and is willing to stick with her husband with steady tenacity.  

4. A study of the Seerah will teach you how to be balanced in all your relationships.  

Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) taught men to love their wives and equated their relationship with their wives to be as important as of half of their Deen. In other words, a man's success in the spiritual aspects of his life is connected with the S uccess of his relationship with his wife. The way a man treats his wife, is a measure of his commitment to Allah and level of his religiosity in Islam. If you act like Abu Bakr (r.a) in the Masjid but Abu Jahl with your wife (mother or sister) at home, your sincerity to your faith is questionable and your Akhirah (after life) is in trouble. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, “The best of you are the best to their wives and I am the best to my wives amongst all of you.” (Ibn Majah and authenticated by Al-Albani). Being the best husband, father, son, and brother is synonymous with being the best Muslim. 

Financially the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) was not  well-to-do but he was very generous in lavishing his wives with gratitude and affection; he was a pillar of hope and consolation for them. He (s.a.w) provided them with advise, comfort and  love. Despite being a statesman, commander-in-chief, judge, Imaam and father, he took time out of his busy day to visit his wives, humour them, and help them with house work. When you listen to the Seerah stories—you learn to do the same for the women that you love.

BookReview: Parenthood by Proxy. Don't have them if you cannot raise them, Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

"Feminism isn't anti-sex. It's only anti-family. The founding principle of NOW [National Organization for Women] was that women should abandon homemaking and child rearing and enter the workplace, so as to become economically and politically independent frogmen. Childcare, in the words of one critic of the domestic role is, "boring, tedious and lonely" and the greatest impediment to her career success. Being financially dependent on a husband is 'irksome and humiliating.'"
Do those who worship freedom heedlessly and irrationally stand to benefit from the destruction of the family?" - Domestic Tranquility: A Brief Against Feminism, F. Carolyn Graglia (Wall Street Journal August 7, 1998)"

Growing up, I was taught to believe that a woman's value was based on her education, work achievements, and what she contributed to the world. [This is why there so much guilt/frustration/depression/resentment attached to 'mothering' our kids]. While acting on these beliefs, I have been beating myself up for being a stay-at-home mom. I have been feeling like I am nullifying all my accomplishments. And many days I continue to feel this way because staying at home is parallel to being lazy or being a slob. 
I hear from fellow stay-at-home-moms much too often, how they feel like chattel, slaves to their gender or profoundly stupid for giving up their thriving, respectable professions to be with their children who scream and pee on them all day long. Doesn't sound like a good trade off?!
First, this book [Parenthood by Proxy] is all about women being bravely unapologetic because being a stay-at-home mom is a great choice! Staying-at-home is not oppression. There are no victims here. Staying at home empowers both the mom and the baby as she invests the best of her knowledge, love, intellect, kindness, faith, morals, cuddles and kisses, beliefs and values into her own baby. She is reproducing and moulding her legacy in her baby. 
Secondly, although the book does not talk about faith, Islamically, mothering is primarily a woman's role. Sure, dads help out change diapers, make the bottle, take the baby for a stroll but between the ages of 0-5, babies cling to their mommies for most of their nourishment and nurturing. As Muslim women, we can either deny this biological instinct and religious obligation or constantly fight and debate with ourselves and our spouses about who should stay at home and look after our babies. We outsource "mothering" to other parties for the sake of temporal accomplishments, which can wait a few years. It is sad to be part of a world and time-period where mothering our own children is not considered a great achievement unless it is coupled with an important job or course.

What is Motherhood? 
Can day-care replace home-care? 

Mothering by definition is to be protective, caring and kind towards one's baby.  Children are not possessions or a commodities. They are not little things we decorate our lives with or bring them into the world because "biologically the time is running out" or "we are lonely" or because "our parents want grandchildren to play with" etc. Mothering is about doing *what is good for the baby* above everything else (including what is convenient for the parents). Having a baby means putting the *baby first*, making her a priority when she is in the most crucial developmental stages of her life (0-5 year). 

The benefits of a mother’s time, attention, and bonds with her children cannot be substituted. Developing babies are affected by loss of a constant, loving and involved. How can anyone be proficient at anything, must less mothering, if she is not actually physically there to do it? The book asks, “Would we really be able to say Michelangelo was a great sculptor if he did a little scraping on marble some nights and weekends after shopping, errands, and R&R, but never spent all day, day after day, on the Pieta?”

According to an article in Los Angeles Daily News (April 27,1997), a 1993 study found that the most frequent type of child abuse was neglect (46%)… Yet, in all the frenzy about guilt-free and child-free parenting, the truth about psychological and emotional neglect as the number one form of abuse towards goes unmentioned. Dr. Bruce Perry, chief of psychiatry at Texas Children’s hospital in Houston said, “If you asked me to take a six month old and choose between breaking every bone in its body or emotionally ignoring it for two months, I’d say the baby would be better off if you break every bone in its body.” (Detroit Free Press, March 20, 1999). “Bone tissue is different from brain tissue. Bones can heal. But if an infant misses out on two months of crucial brain stimulation, you will forever have a disorganized brain!”

The article estimates that more than half of the three million children who come to the attention of child protective services each year have been neglected by parents in some way. 

I am not saying that women should be scared back into their homes. I am not against the idea of working, alhamdulilah, I have worked most of my adult life (and a part of me can't wait to go back but this book gives me courage and strength to reconsider and reprioritize mothering over $$). Because we define working women as being self-sufficient, politically and ideologically powerful, we look down upon women who have "give up" the fruits of modernism and feminism for their mothering responsibilities. Because motherhood does not yield money, it is not classified as a twenty-first century calling or an advanced/sophisticated occupation.

I don't understand why we must push women into the paid-labour force and label mothering a patriarchal conspiracy? The disdain women have today for staying at home forever marks their babies with neurological damage or psychological neglect and behavioural issues. Is it any surprise why children are so menacing, at risk or causing social problems? 

"A 1998 University of Michigan study of 2,394 families across the nation found that fever than half of parents said they found time for an adequate number of everyday activities with their children, such as looking at books, working on homework, talking paying games, or preparing food...When parents can't find the time to hug, encourage and develop relationships with their children...the damage can be enormous, affecting everything from brain development to future relations with spouses or children. Basically, when parents have overwhelmed themselves with demanding jobs, divorces, love affairs, serial marriage, chaotic step families or single parenthood, they are often emotionally neglectful of their children. Thinking that structured activities like school, day care, or organized sports make up for one-on-one parent-child family experiences is plain wrong. Children need attention. Human beings are complex creatures, and unlike the behaviours of most lower animals, almost nothing is instinctual. That means that children must be taught to love, trust, bond, and develop relationships. This learning experience comes directly from family life. Without such interactions children become withdrawn, antisocial and insecure, and have difficulty making friends and maintaining relationships. They also tend to do significantly worse at school - from elementary through high school - than children who were physically or sexually abuse." (Detroit Free Press, March 20, 1999).

The cavalier manner in which day-care treat children is not the same intimacy, love, education, faith, morals, attention a mother can provide to develop her children’s sense of attachment, identity, intellect and importance. The book remarks, “Having vulnerable, impressionable, dependent, developing babies in hands of unknown adults reveals an unbelievably alienating world where parents ignore their children’s emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs, but assiduously tend to their own.” I completely agree with this. In my profession as a teacher, I have experienced that some of the most reckless and antisocial students come from the brightest - spiritually and intellectually brilliant mothers. Why have the ideological ambitions of mothers derailed the basic laws of nature? No one can do the job a mother can in raising her children. The children should always be part of the parental decision making equation. 

Is Motherhood for Women only? 
What about Fathers?

Post-modern feminist attitude towards motherhood is that a woman's personal adult satisfaction should be paramount. Feminism wants us to believe that by virtue of her gender, a woman will always be a victim of her circumstances (marriage, less finances in comparison to her husband) and therefore she should not be held accountable to the emotions and action. 

The book simply calls women to view mothering as a work of love and duty for the sake of the what is best for our children. That being said, I am echoing the perspective that the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them” (Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6719, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1829). Children’s guardianship is the central the responsibility of the mother. This includes undivided attention to their need for love, nurturing, support, tutoring, coaching, supervision, discipline, values, instruction, family meal and worship rituals. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) made mothers, the nuclear head of their children; mothers are the basic unit of civilization and civilizing her young. 

As guardians of the family, the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) assigned men to be the pillars of strength, support and economic stability in their homes; the wife leans on the husband for all her needs; with love and respect, he puts his wife's needs above his own. He is responsible to sacrifice himself for her wellbeing, keep her safe and provides for her physically and spiritually as she does for his children. This partnership and synergy between husbands and wives is needed to raise children correctly.  

I think it is worthy to consider the flip side of what happens when mothers do not take the primary role in mothering their children. The book cites many experts who say, mothers have been the gutting of family life and playtime in the name of workplace performance and school achievement. Long work hours , followed by long commutes and job related social engagements, has stripped many children of almost any meaningful contact with their moms. 

Pushing women, regardless of inclination or need, into the paid labour force is leading us to value personal, material success over our obligation to our children. It is leading to lower measures of academic achievement among our children, and increased levels of depression, stress, anxiety, aggression, mental illness, substance abuse and juvenile delinquency. The intent behind this data is to showcase that there is something seriously and deeply wrong with our society where more and more women feel that they must work outside the home to find personal fulfillment instead of staying in the home in order to foster stable environments for their children where they can be loved, educated and protected, at least for the first 0-5 years of their lives . Even when “the barometer of this failing is a vicious one: the increasing neglect of children and the related increase in violent crime” (The Heritage Foundation: “Child Abuse Crisis,” June 3, 1997). Anyhow, this is an on-going debate and global issue. It is affecting children’s educational attainment, mental health, relationship formation and stability and labour force success. I think all of us benefit if we rigorously endeavoured to find solutions and resolve this sobering reality for children.

What about a second paycheque and two-income families?

In her book How to Get What You Want in Life with the Money You Already Have, Carole keeffe writes, “over and over again I hear couples say, ‘I wish one of us could be home with our children, but we both have to work, just to get by.’ Most often, this is a myth rather than a fact. Years ago I read that the first $10,000 earned by the second working parent goes to pay child care, transportation, work clothes, higher food bills (expensive packaged meals, convenience foods and earing out more), and higher medical bills due to increased stress. Too often we think we’re bringing in more money, when in fact, we’re creating more bills.” According to the US Census Bureau, Current population survey, 1998, the median income of families in which the wife is not in the paid labour force is $37,161 compared with the median of $63,751 for dual income families. It appears that those most generous with time for their children have more modest financial means. What is there about money and things that distracts people from core values?

In conclusion, the book supports home-care over. day-care for young infants and toddlers. The book supports that women should feel that they have a choice and plethora of benefits in staying at home with their babies and putting their children first. The book also supports children’s emotional, spiritual academic and social wellbeing over a family’s increased finances. 

BookReview: Nani Amma

This week I finished a biography I have been meaning to read since last year. “Nani Amma” is a story of Dr. Farhat Hashmi’s mom. The more I read this magical, real-life fairy-tale about this exceptionally righteous woman, the more I cried, the more I wish I knew her personally. She lived her life devouted to her husband, her Rabb and her home as it was her highest calling and greatest joy. 

“Nani Amma” raised twelve children and many more grandchildren; she was the architect of a remarkable generation of adults who continue to have a profound impact on the world. Her roles as Rabbani (godly) wife and mother was the most beautiful expression of her womanhood. 

1. The most important characteristic of a godly mother is her relationship, not with her children, but with her husband. What she communicated to her children through her marital relationship stayed with her children for the rest of their lives. By watching her and her husband, her children learned the most fundamental lessons of life—love, self-sacrifice, integrity, virtue, sympathy, compassion, cooperation, understanding, and forgiveness. Her responses and reactions to her spouse, impressed upon her children’s hearts as a way of life, a way of being that was rooted in Taqwa (Allah consciousness – love, respect and humility) and Ehsaan (unconditional and extraordinary acts of benevolence).

“Nani Amma” and her husband were dedicated to the faithful worship of Allah and they were dedicated to caring for one another and serving their family (including extended relatives and cousins for Allah’s sake). 

2. Her distinctive virtues were her constant faith, humility, kindness and generosity. Her prayers were constant. Despite her external beauty, wealth, or accomplishments, she was an unpretentious, and a modest woman. She studied the Qur’an at a young age which, guided every area of her life as a wife and a mother – her conversations, character, and conduct were rooted in the Qur’an and her children and grandchildren are mashaAllah a reflection of this today. Living with the Qur’an was not an occasional practise in her home but the very foundation upon which her home was raised. 

Because her entire day, till old age, was structured around praying, reading, and reflecting upon the Qur’an, she became a confident, living embodiment of her faith. She often spoke to her children of Allah’s promises and modelled for them an attitude, that conveyed that the fulfillments of all physical, material and emotional needs was possible through Allah alone. Instead of focusing on what she lacked she displayed her trust in Allah’s sufficiency in her life and her gratitude to Him whether He provided her with little or a lot. 

3. She devoted herself to her motherly responsibilities—she was fully committed to her home. She dedicated herself to nursing, loving cherishing, instructing her children and several grandchildren. She understood how vital early formative years are in children’s lives, when 90 percent of their personalities are formed. She prepared them in those foundational years for a lifetime of love and service to Allah—such a high calling. Don't mistake her devotion to raising her children for the modern tendency to make the child the center of the universe. She discharged her responsibility as a steward—one day she had to send them out to the world to teach and serve others. It wasn't about fulfilling her maternal needs through her children. It was about fulfilling her oath to Allah and her husband. It was about being faithful to her calling to be a Rabbani (godly) wife and mother. 

May Allah adorn and embellish her soul with the lavish gifts of Paradise aamen. 

Bukhari Reflection: How to practice empathy

حَدَّثَنَا عَلِيٌّ، حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ عُلَيَّةَ، عَنْ حُمَيْدٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ، قَالَ كَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم عِنْدَ بَعْضِ نِسَائِهِ فَأَرْسَلَتْ إِحْدَى أُمَّهَاتِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ بِصَحْفَةٍ فِيهَا طَعَامٌ، فَضَرَبَتِ الَّتِي النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِي بَيْتِهَا يَدَ الْخَادِمِ فَسَقَطَتِ الصَّحْفَةُ فَانْفَلَقَتْ، فَجَمَعَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِلَقَ الصَّحْفَةِ، ثُمَّ جَعَلَ يَجْمَعُ فِيهَا الطَّعَامَ الَّذِي كَانَ فِي الصَّحْفَةِ وَيَقُولُ ‏ "‏ غَارَتْ أُمُّكُمْ ‏"‏، ثُمَّ حَبَسَ الْخَادِمَ حَتَّى أُتِيَ بِصَحْفَةٍ مِنْ عِنْدِ الَّتِي هُوَ فِي بَيْتِهَا، فَدَفَعَ الصَّحْفَةَ الصَّحِيحَةَ إِلَى الَّتِي كُسِرَتْ صَحْفَتُهَا، وَأَمْسَكَ الْمَكْسُورَةَ فِي بَيْتِ الَّتِي كَسَرَتْ فِيه.‏

Narrated Anas:

While the Prophet (ﷺ) was in the house of one of his wives, one of the mothers of the believers sent a meal in a dish. The wife at whose house the Prophet (ﷺ) was, struck the hand of the servant, causing the dish to fall and break. The Prophet (ﷺ) gathered the broken pieces of the dish and then started collecting on them the food which had been in the dish and said, "Your mother (my wife) felt jealous." Then he detained the servant till a (sound) dish was brought from the wife at whose house he was. He gave the sound dish to the wife whose dish had been broken and kept the broken one at the house where it had been broken.

Reference	: Sahih al-Bukhari 5225
	: Book 67, Hadith 158
	: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 152

We judge people based on their appearances, gestures and expressions all the time. The moment we see anything odd, or remotely out of place, we instantly form an unhelpful opinion. This is totally wrong. People are not always what they seem, they are what they perceive. In the hadith discussed today during Bukhari class we learned that when Aisha (r.a) was expressing her jealousy, the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) did not give her a criticizing label. The Prophet (s.a.w) did not berate her for her misconduct. Instead he (s.a.w) remained positive and optimistic about her character. He (s.a.w) reframed her negative behaviour with a hope-based mindset.

Scornful labels are calling someone rude, arrogant, stubborn, odd, defiant or lazy etc. This casts a damaging shadow over them. It means we will always see this individual in a negative light and assume the worst from them. Whereas a hope-based outlook invites us to ascribe value to people, and encourages them to grow.  

All human beings say or do crazy things at times but these handful of bad experiences do not define us. We are not evil as a result of experiencing and simultaneously trying to express, a painful feeling. Sometimes when children are emotionally unwell or out of balance, they will act out in turbulent ways. This is why I like to believe that there is no such thing as ‘bad children’ or ‘bad people,’ just individuals who need emotional healing. 

Meltdowns and fits, outburst and tantrums can very well be struggling emotions, anxious feelings and/or fearful thoughts that can be resolved with empathy. When Aisha (r.a) threw the bowl of food, she was expressing hurt feeling she was unable to cope with. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) offered her unconditional love, understanding and kindness in response. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) made her feel heard, known, understood and connected. This also diffused the conflict immediately. 

Empathy is a human gift. We consciously give up our own mindset to enter the world of another person, to acknowledge their beliefs and emotional experiences, and validate their good intentions and valid points.  We give them the benefit of our attentiveness and understanding. 

This hadith is a great lesson in practicing empathy. When a loved one is using hurtful words or manners, be empathetic towards them. First, be patient with them and forgive them. Second, discover and then calm the underlying feelings that are motivating the hostile interaction.