Confessions of a Quiet Girl

I have been writing for as long as I remember. I wrote my first short story when I was not yet 8. Since then I have written journals, articles, poems, plays, speeches, lessons...at times I have traded being with friends for writing in my diary without any regrets whatsoever. I  am definitely a glass half-full person, I am energized by writing. My mind has a world of its own and I like exploring it through writing. I feel that when I write I learn more. It's exhilarating. Its not easy explaining to people that I am not shy or anti-social. I am enthusiastic about talking as long it is not incredibly cumbersome idle chatter. I can't make a lot of small talk. After 5 minutes into the conversation it become too insincere and unauthentic. I am a penchant for philosophical/religious/political discussions and love-thought provoking documentaries and interviews. I am an "out-going" person. I need to be "outside" to recharge my batteries. If I am at home or in a work environment for too long I will get bored and antsy.


Seems pretty normal so far? Quiet girl = lost in her thoughts!
 There is an ugly side to being quiet.

Quiet people often get so wrapped up in their own world - their personal aspirations, needs, successes and tragedies that we forget the existence of others. I am a horrible person. Dear Mom, I feel like I must have ignored and  overlooked you. I am sorry if I ever behaved insensitively. I am sorry if I didn't listen or did not help and sympathize.  I am sorry I was not conscious of your interests. I am sorry I should have been equally absorbed in you as much as I was in myself. I am sorry I did not understand your problems. I am sorry I lacked compassion. I am disappointed, angry and ashamed of myself.

Confessions of an Angry Wife

A wife  is denied the forthright expression of her healthy anger. Her attempts at confrontation is ridiculed.  She can smolder inwardly until the anger had burned down to a bitter resentment or becomes such a pressurized force that it could only come out in a rage so uncontrollable that it can be dismissed as irrational. 

It's unseemly, aesthetically displeasing, and against the sweet, pliant feminine image to be angry. A wife is the great conciliator, the steadier of rocked boats, moves, out of her fear, to quiet not only others' anger but also her own. Small wonder that when the vacuum-sealed lid bursts off, the angry wife seems either like a freaked-out nut or a psycho on wheels. Her frenzy is intensified by the shakiness of her commitment to her own cause. She doubts herself. Or worse, she starts believing in the deficiencies falsely attributed to her. So shaky is her self-image that every criticism is seen as an indictment of her person. She is a living, walking apology for her own existence.

Why is the wife not allowed an outlet of her contained anger? Why do those around her find it so abnormal to get angry that they demoralize and deflate her into a degraded, inauthentic calm? Healthy anger says "I'm a person. I have certain rights which you can't deny. I have a right to be treated with fairness and compassion. I have a right to live my life as I see fit, I have a right to get what I can for myself. If you deprive me of my rights, I'm not going to love you, thank you, I'm going to say 'Back Off' and I am going to stand up for myself." 

A wife's anger puts her at the centre stage. It claims attention for her and demands to take her seriously, or else. (Or else she won't respect you, she won't cooperate with you with you or patiently wait for you, or else, ultimately, the association is over.) The traditional wife is the polar opposite of this description. Lacking confidence in herself and in her own perception, she backs away from a fight. 

Anger takes the wife out of her earth mother role as bastion of peace and calm, out of her familial role as peacemaker, out of her political role as preserver of the status quo, out of her economic role as cheap labor, out of her social role as second-class citizen. It takes her out of roles altogether and makes her a man!

If a wife was a man her anger would be received very differently. 

Marriage Checklist - for fathers!

Marriage is part of our social programming, our parents expect us to get married, to follow on with tradition. To ensure that our daughters do not suffer any form of abuse in their marriages, it is necessary for parents to investigate every proposal thoroughly. Does the man show mercy and love towards his family? Does he have a solid education? Is he financially independent? Does he take responsibility for himself or does he blame others for his actions and shortcomings? These may seem like no-brainers but many parents are fooled by the likes of those who cloak themselves in a mantle of religion. Those who pretend to be religious to bilk the parents. Those pretend to have careers and good character to further their marriage scams. There are predators everywhere (even those well intentioned guys who claim that they will change after marriage). It is the parents' job to help their daughter marry the right person. 

So do you want to marry my daughter?

1.      How much money does he make?
It may seem like a pretty loaded question, astaghfirullah! You don't judge a man by his money! Actually money is pretty important in determining if a man can afford to give your daughter a good mahr, if he will spend on her needs and give her a good home.

    

(a)Mahr

-Qur’an 2:236 4:4

-Your daughter is entitled to mahr at the time of the marriage contract and preferably before the marriage is consummated. The mahr demonstrates the dignity and respect your daughter deserves when she takes on the role of a wife. The mahr is a promise that a man will not treat your daughter like a maid or a nurse.
 The mahr forces a man to acknowledge that your daughter, who was hitherto a stranger, is dedicating her entire life to him in marriage. The mahr also forces a man to take psychological and financial responsibility for your daughter who is leaving behind her childhood home, the company of her maternal family, friends, and all the happiness of her past life (studies, work, freedom) and dreams so that this man can have a home and family through her.  

(b)Regular Monetary Allowance

 -Qur’an 2:233

-He must provide for your daughter: clothes, food and other necessities according to his means. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said to Hind bint ‘Utbah who complained that her husband (Abu Sufyaan) was stingy in terms on spending on the family, “Take what is sufficient for you [from him] and your children on a reasonable basis.” By this extension, your daughter can ask him for money to spend on herself, her kids and their home. If he does not give her money easily, then she can take it from him without his knowledge and this does not constitute as stealing.

-The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) told men to fast if they could not afford to get married.  He (s.a.w) told the married men to be best to their wives.

(c) Residence

-Qur’an 65:6

-It is obligatory for him to prepare a comfortable residence for your daughter.  Your daughter should have everything that she needs in her marital home.

-Your wife should not be kept as a hostage in the house, with just enough things to barely survive but devoid of happiness and a sense of peace and belonging in the home.

2.      Find out if he is a nice guy. 

This is pretty hard to figure out, every body has at least a few friends they can present to vouch for their goodness. The friends may be in on the scam too. So ask the people who have nothing to gain from him. How does he treat others when he is angry? Is he emotionally mature? How does he behave with those who are either younger than him or below his social status. Is he a narcissist? 

-Qur’an, 4:19 
-Allah commanded him to behave in a dignified manner with your daughter. He should give her the respect that is entitled to her by Allah.

-The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w), despite being the most important and busiest man on earth, took out time to joke with Aisha (r.a), feed her with his hands, wipe her tears, take her out on trips and play sports with her.  She was the dearest him and he would show his loving feelings towards her consistently.

-The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said there is no goodness in a man who hits his wife.