Individualism has infected our understanding of what a family is supposed to be and how a family is supposed to function. Shaykh Abdul Nasir Jangda’s lecture, “Happiness in the Home” takes a hard look at the type of radically absolute individualism that is weakening family bonds.
This extreme individualism is known by slogans such as:
· Be true to yourself
· Follow your heart
· Find yourself
Sometimes in pursuit of extreme individualism, the beauty of family, which is meant to welcome rather than exclude, show compassion rather than condemn, attract rather than impose is lost and irreversibly damaged.
People who prioritize extreme individualism become so intoxicated with their personal goals and pleasures that often, despite living under the same roof, they do not see or speak to their family members for days. Each person becomes withdrawn, living in their own cocoon, isolated from the rest of the family.
They no longer embrace intimate membership into their family. Some monetary privileges and perks may hold these individuals together superficially as a family to the outside, but the real plot line for many of these people is that they want to be alone and away from their families. The family as institution is resisted so the individual can find himself/herself.
Sometimes finding yourself means expressing yourself over against your family timetable.
Radically individualist people chart their own course in life. If their family asks for their time, suddenly they claim that 'they need space' or 'privacy'. What they do and when, is no one else’s business.
Shaykh Nasir Jangda explained that family relationships, deserve the highest commitment of undivided loyalty, relational solidary, and personal sacrifice. How we spend our free time should be made in the context of family. Shaykh Nasir reminded us that "fun family time" and "meaning family time" is an act of worship. Allah rewards us for our joyful interactions with our family.
This requires that we do not live for our own selfish indulgences. We live for our loved ones create a home where support, strength, comfort and joy is offered and reciprocated.
The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) was acutely aware of the needs of his family and he was willing to care for them. This included practical needs as well as things like consistent companionship and caring interpersonal connection. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) kneaded the dough with his wives and had water fights. He (s.a.w) broomed the floor of his apartment and raced with his spouse outside in the garden. The Prophet (s.a.w) mended his clothes while he created romantic couplets and poems. Using his life as a role model, he structured a blueprint for family time: ‘the best of you are those who are the best to their families. I am the best to my family.’
1. Do you have the best time with your family when you interact with them? If not then how can I improve?
2. How can you hope to be the best Muslim when your relationship with your family is not at its best?
The radical individualism slogan should be revised to orient the family as thus:
- · You be
you(with your family). - · Be true to
yourself(your family). - ·
Follow(Give) your heart (to your family). - · Find
yourself(time for your family).
Shaykh Nasir Jangda shares some basic principles, to help families grow spiritually, emotionally, and relationally.
Be with your family . Your family needs your presence. They regard your very presence as a sign of caring and connectedness. It's crucial for you to spend as much time as possible with them. Keep in mind that your job as a husband/wife parent/child is a calling from Allah - more important than any other work you do, including the job you get paid to do - and your influence on your family will be your greatest legacy. Your family craves your presence, and nothing can make up for your absence. You are all they have in this world and they are all you got.
Be true to your family - Express affirmation, warmth and encouragement to your spouse and children. Families who practise saying ‘I love you’ as opposed to ‘Leave me alone’ or ‘Go away!’ will find themselves more emotionally secure and connected. So avoid using sarcasm with your parents and spouse; do not compare your children or siblings with other kids . Instead, aim to make your family feel accepted, appreciated, listened to and loved for who they are. They will you spoil you with admiration, confidence and joy in return,. Rather than just jumping into to-do lists, give lots of physical affection like hugs, kisses and back rubs. Have relaxing conversations with your family that are not work, homework or chores related.
Give your heart to your family. Giving a little bit of your love to your family is one of the main purposes of having a family. Why else would anyone get married and have children if not for love and companionship? Huma beings need love; love is received when it is given. Love is not on social media, or distinct hobbies and careers or even extravagant indulgences. Love is received when you come to you family with compassion, comfort, upliftment and inspiration.
Endeavours that are outside the family or do not include the family, never bring lasting joy.
Even when you manage to get short-term gratification from your radical individualism and freedom from family , it doesn’t heal your longing for happiness and human connection; it only enhances your shenpa (getting hooked). Trying to find lasting happiness and human connection from relationships or possession outside the family is like drinking salt water to quench your thirst.
Even when you manage to get short-term gratification from your radical individualism and freedom from family , it doesn’t heal your longing for happiness and human connection; it only enhances your shenpa (getting hooked). Trying to find lasting happiness and human connection from relationships or possession outside the family is like drinking salt water to quench your thirst.
When you offer some your life – your time and self to your family, you receive their loving hearts.
Find time for your family. There is nothing like play to bring about family togetherness. Make time for vacations together, do something fun when your family for at least 30 minutes everyday when you come home from work or school, go on frequent outings (from getting ice cream out to playing sports, go on dates), share holiday traditions, enjoy humor together, and work on charity service projects together. Sharing playful experiences will build family memories that will bond you all in powerful ways.
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