We will not have happy workplaces, contented homes, and fruitful religious congregations until men and women learn to respect one another, their similarities and differences. Certainly, we don’t want to get so hyper-sensitive that we cannot stand each other’s existence without constantly finding faults in one another. I have a dream, that there will be genuine love and respect across the gender lines one day!
Learning to be a man who loves his wife, requires a certain amount of self-reflection and religious study. A man must learn from the best, the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) who both was the epitome of mercy for all human beings. He (s.a.w) was also profoundly in love and compassionate towards his wives. Mercy and love can be embodied in perfect masculinity.
1. Love her with your Patience, not with your strength or your intelligence.
Men identify with mental and physical strength as part and parcel of their male persona. Allah made men to have strength as Qawwam (Quran, 4:34). In addition to being physically stronger, a lot of pressure is placed on men to overachieve academically and financially. For these reasons, men can be tempted to value their worth and express their love towards their wives (mothers or sisters), based only in what they can accomplish with their minds and bodies. But strength and worth are not interconnected. A woman may be initially attracted to a man because of his strength and his intelligence but she will love and respect him more, because of his patience and forbearance. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) defined physical strength as becoming a man of stoicism, self-control and mildness.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The strong are not the best wrestlers. Verily, the strong are only those who control themselves when they are angry.” Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 5763, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 2609
Although men may have a psychological propensity to feel anger more deeply and excessively than
1. Yes, as a man you can shout louder in an argument. Speak softly anyway. Allah gave you strength as a gift and as a test.
2. Yes, as a man you can be stern and scary when you are upset. Smile and show mercy anyway. Allah gave you this strength as a gift and as a test.
3. Yes, as a man you are physically stronger and taller. Be gentle and humble anyway. Allah gave you strength as a gift and as a test.
4. Yes, as a man you can be more determined and focused when you choose. Be considerate and accommodating anyway. Allah gave you strength as a test.
5. Yes, as a man no one can stop you or hold you back, but be fair, just and Allah-fearing anyway. Allah gave you strength as a gift and as a test.
When as a man you draw upon your strength as a gift and as a test from Allah, the piousness with which you use this strength becomes a means to draw you closer to Allah and His reward.
When as a man you draw upon your strength as a gift and as a test from Allah, the piousness with which you use this strength becomes a means to draw you closer to Allah and His reward.
2. Cherish the women in your lives: admire, appreciate, protect and care for them lovingly.
Our culture teaches men that women are something to be conquered. A man is told that he must achieve optimum strength, intelligence and money so that he can have any woman that he wants. Women - your wives and marriage partners are first and foremost complete human beings with intelligence, hopes, dreams, opinions. They have the ability to love but also the need to be loved. When you as a husband treat your wife as an object for domestic service or pleasure—whether it is in a relationship or through fantasy and pornography—you cripple their own capacity to value and appreciate your wife holistically as a human being who enjoys an independent existence beyond your ego and your needs. Do not turn your wife into a means to an end; she is your equal, your companion and your spouse to share and beautify life’s journey.
"…And live with them in kindness…" (Quran 4:19)
This is a command from Allah The Almighty, which implies a sense of obligation and duty a man owes to a woman (his wife, mother and sister). Scholars said that living in kindness is an mandatory right of a wife. If her husband denies her kindness, he bears a sin while if he fulfils it, he will deserve reward.
A companion (r.a) asked the Prophet (s.a.w) what is the right of a wife over her husband?’ He (s.a.w) said, "That you feed her when you eat and clothe her when you clothe yourself and do not strike her. Do not malign her and do not keep apart from her.” Abu Daud.
The lesson we learn here is exercising basic kindness by:
- Husband taking the wife out to eat with him (date nights)
- Husband spending on his wife (take her shopping); his dressing attractively for her as much as he wishes her to dress attractively for him!
- Husband respecting and honouring his wife's physical body and emotions
- Husband spending quality time with his wife to make her feel loved and give her a sense of belonging with him
Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Those who are merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth and the One in the heavens will have mercy upon you.” Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1924
3. Stay away from women who place their desires for happiness entirely on material things and physical accomplishments.
There is an enormous difference between hoping that one's husband will lead her to happiness and better things in life and being convinced that her husband will BRING her all material things she fancies in life. Many women have fallen for marriage as a means to achieve financial independence. They are hunting for men who will fund the fairy-tale of their dreams. Women who envision a marriage in which men are financial servants and they are Queens. If their financial demands are not met , they easily resort emotionally abusive and toxic behaviour and blackmail towards their husbands.
The whole contract of marriage becomes mechanical, transactional and spiritless. Ladies, a husband cannot be acquired without the wife fostering any special love or respect for him. Be a wife who values and appreciates the support, comfort, confidence and companionship of her husband.
Brothers, the woman that you can take to the Masjid for Nikkah should be someone who has been there many times before (she frequents the Masjid for worship, knowledge and service). She seeks happiness with Allah, in His remembrance and obedience. She is willing to place her trust in her husband to strengthen her relationship with Allah.
A faithful man should marry a woman who works hard on her faith , her character and is willing to put equal amount of work in her marriage; someone who will be staunch and loyal in her Deen and is willing to stick with her husband with steady tenacity.
Brothers, the woman that you can take to the Masjid for Nikkah should be someone who has been there many times before (she frequents the Masjid for worship, knowledge and service). She seeks happiness with Allah, in His remembrance and obedience. She is willing to place her trust in her husband to strengthen her relationship with Allah.
A faithful man should marry a woman who works hard on her faith , her character and is willing to put equal amount of work in her marriage; someone who will be staunch and loyal in her Deen and is willing to stick with her husband with steady tenacity.
4. A study of the Seerah will teach you how to be balanced in all your relationships.
Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) taught men to love their wives and equated their relationship with their wives to be as important as of half of their Deen. In other words, a man's success in the spiritual aspects of his life is connected with the S uccess of his relationship with his wife. The way a man treats his wife, is a measure of his commitment to Allah and level of his religiosity in Islam. If you act like Abu Bakr (r.a) in the Masjid but Abu Jahl with your wife (mother or sister) at home, your sincerity to your faith is questionable and your Akhirah (after life) is in trouble. Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, “The best of you are the best to their wives and I am the best to my wives amongst all of you.” (Ibn Majah and authenticated by Al-Albani). Being the best husband, father, son, and brother is synonymous with being the best Muslim.
Financially the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) was not well-to-do but he was very generous in lavishing his wives with gratitude and affection; he was a pillar of hope and consolation for them. He (s.a.w) provided them with advise, comfort and love. Despite being a statesman, commander-in-chief, judge, Imaam and father, he took time out of his busy day to visit his wives, humour them, and help them with house work. When you listen to the Seerah stories—you learn to do the same for the women that you love.
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