BookReview: Parenthood by Proxy. Don't have them if you cannot raise them, Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

"Feminism isn't anti-sex. It's only anti-family. The founding principle of NOW [National Organization for Women] was that women should abandon homemaking and child rearing and enter the workplace, so as to become economically and politically independent frogmen. Childcare, in the words of one critic of the domestic role is, "boring, tedious and lonely" and the greatest impediment to her career success. Being financially dependent on a husband is 'irksome and humiliating.'"
Do those who worship freedom heedlessly and irrationally stand to benefit from the destruction of the family?" - Domestic Tranquility: A Brief Against Feminism, F. Carolyn Graglia (Wall Street Journal August 7, 1998)"

Growing up, I was taught to believe that a woman's value was based on her education, work achievements, and what she contributed to the world. [This is why there so much guilt/frustration/depression/resentment attached to 'mothering' our kids]. While acting on these beliefs, I have been beating myself up for being a stay-at-home mom. I have been feeling like I am nullifying all my accomplishments. And many days I continue to feel this way because staying at home is parallel to being lazy or being a slob. 
I hear from fellow stay-at-home-moms much too often, how they feel like chattel, slaves to their gender or profoundly stupid for giving up their thriving, respectable professions to be with their children who scream and pee on them all day long. Doesn't sound like a good trade off?!
First, this book [Parenthood by Proxy] is all about women being bravely unapologetic because being a stay-at-home mom is a great choice! Staying-at-home is not oppression. There are no victims here. Staying at home empowers both the mom and the baby as she invests the best of her knowledge, love, intellect, kindness, faith, morals, cuddles and kisses, beliefs and values into her own baby. She is reproducing and moulding her legacy in her baby. 
Secondly, although the book does not talk about faith, Islamically, mothering is primarily a woman's role. Sure, dads help out change diapers, make the bottle, take the baby for a stroll but between the ages of 0-5, babies cling to their mommies for most of their nourishment and nurturing. As Muslim women, we can either deny this biological instinct and religious obligation or constantly fight and debate with ourselves and our spouses about who should stay at home and look after our babies. We outsource "mothering" to other parties for the sake of temporal accomplishments, which can wait a few years. It is sad to be part of a world and time-period where mothering our own children is not considered a great achievement unless it is coupled with an important job or course.

What is Motherhood? 
Can day-care replace home-care? 

Mothering by definition is to be protective, caring and kind towards one's baby.  Children are not possessions or a commodities. They are not little things we decorate our lives with or bring them into the world because "biologically the time is running out" or "we are lonely" or because "our parents want grandchildren to play with" etc. Mothering is about doing *what is good for the baby* above everything else (including what is convenient for the parents). Having a baby means putting the *baby first*, making her a priority when she is in the most crucial developmental stages of her life (0-5 year). 

The benefits of a mother’s time, attention, and bonds with her children cannot be substituted. Developing babies are affected by loss of a constant, loving and involved. How can anyone be proficient at anything, must less mothering, if she is not actually physically there to do it? The book asks, “Would we really be able to say Michelangelo was a great sculptor if he did a little scraping on marble some nights and weekends after shopping, errands, and R&R, but never spent all day, day after day, on the Pieta?”

According to an article in Los Angeles Daily News (April 27,1997), a 1993 study found that the most frequent type of child abuse was neglect (46%)… Yet, in all the frenzy about guilt-free and child-free parenting, the truth about psychological and emotional neglect as the number one form of abuse towards goes unmentioned. Dr. Bruce Perry, chief of psychiatry at Texas Children’s hospital in Houston said, “If you asked me to take a six month old and choose between breaking every bone in its body or emotionally ignoring it for two months, I’d say the baby would be better off if you break every bone in its body.” (Detroit Free Press, March 20, 1999). “Bone tissue is different from brain tissue. Bones can heal. But if an infant misses out on two months of crucial brain stimulation, you will forever have a disorganized brain!”

The article estimates that more than half of the three million children who come to the attention of child protective services each year have been neglected by parents in some way. 

I am not saying that women should be scared back into their homes. I am not against the idea of working, alhamdulilah, I have worked most of my adult life (and a part of me can't wait to go back but this book gives me courage and strength to reconsider and reprioritize mothering over $$). Because we define working women as being self-sufficient, politically and ideologically powerful, we look down upon women who have "give up" the fruits of modernism and feminism for their mothering responsibilities. Because motherhood does not yield money, it is not classified as a twenty-first century calling or an advanced/sophisticated occupation.

I don't understand why we must push women into the paid-labour force and label mothering a patriarchal conspiracy? The disdain women have today for staying at home forever marks their babies with neurological damage or psychological neglect and behavioural issues. Is it any surprise why children are so menacing, at risk or causing social problems? 

"A 1998 University of Michigan study of 2,394 families across the nation found that fever than half of parents said they found time for an adequate number of everyday activities with their children, such as looking at books, working on homework, talking paying games, or preparing food...When parents can't find the time to hug, encourage and develop relationships with their children...the damage can be enormous, affecting everything from brain development to future relations with spouses or children. Basically, when parents have overwhelmed themselves with demanding jobs, divorces, love affairs, serial marriage, chaotic step families or single parenthood, they are often emotionally neglectful of their children. Thinking that structured activities like school, day care, or organized sports make up for one-on-one parent-child family experiences is plain wrong. Children need attention. Human beings are complex creatures, and unlike the behaviours of most lower animals, almost nothing is instinctual. That means that children must be taught to love, trust, bond, and develop relationships. This learning experience comes directly from family life. Without such interactions children become withdrawn, antisocial and insecure, and have difficulty making friends and maintaining relationships. They also tend to do significantly worse at school - from elementary through high school - than children who were physically or sexually abuse." (Detroit Free Press, March 20, 1999).

The cavalier manner in which day-care treat children is not the same intimacy, love, education, faith, morals, attention a mother can provide to develop her children’s sense of attachment, identity, intellect and importance. The book remarks, “Having vulnerable, impressionable, dependent, developing babies in hands of unknown adults reveals an unbelievably alienating world where parents ignore their children’s emotional, psychological, and spiritual needs, but assiduously tend to their own.” I completely agree with this. In my profession as a teacher, I have experienced that some of the most reckless and antisocial students come from the brightest - spiritually and intellectually brilliant mothers. Why have the ideological ambitions of mothers derailed the basic laws of nature? No one can do the job a mother can in raising her children. The children should always be part of the parental decision making equation. 

Is Motherhood for Women only? 
What about Fathers?

Post-modern feminist attitude towards motherhood is that a woman's personal adult satisfaction should be paramount. Feminism wants us to believe that by virtue of her gender, a woman will always be a victim of her circumstances (marriage, less finances in comparison to her husband) and therefore she should not be held accountable to the emotions and action. 

The book simply calls women to view mothering as a work of love and duty for the sake of the what is best for our children. That being said, I am echoing the perspective that the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them” (Source: Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 6719, Ṣaḥīḥ Muslim 1829). Children’s guardianship is the central the responsibility of the mother. This includes undivided attention to their need for love, nurturing, support, tutoring, coaching, supervision, discipline, values, instruction, family meal and worship rituals. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) made mothers, the nuclear head of their children; mothers are the basic unit of civilization and civilizing her young. 

As guardians of the family, the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) assigned men to be the pillars of strength, support and economic stability in their homes; the wife leans on the husband for all her needs; with love and respect, he puts his wife's needs above his own. He is responsible to sacrifice himself for her wellbeing, keep her safe and provides for her physically and spiritually as she does for his children. This partnership and synergy between husbands and wives is needed to raise children correctly.  

I think it is worthy to consider the flip side of what happens when mothers do not take the primary role in mothering their children. The book cites many experts who say, mothers have been the gutting of family life and playtime in the name of workplace performance and school achievement. Long work hours , followed by long commutes and job related social engagements, has stripped many children of almost any meaningful contact with their moms. 

Pushing women, regardless of inclination or need, into the paid labour force is leading us to value personal, material success over our obligation to our children. It is leading to lower measures of academic achievement among our children, and increased levels of depression, stress, anxiety, aggression, mental illness, substance abuse and juvenile delinquency. The intent behind this data is to showcase that there is something seriously and deeply wrong with our society where more and more women feel that they must work outside the home to find personal fulfillment instead of staying in the home in order to foster stable environments for their children where they can be loved, educated and protected, at least for the first 0-5 years of their lives . Even when “the barometer of this failing is a vicious one: the increasing neglect of children and the related increase in violent crime” (The Heritage Foundation: “Child Abuse Crisis,” June 3, 1997). Anyhow, this is an on-going debate and global issue. It is affecting children’s educational attainment, mental health, relationship formation and stability and labour force success. I think all of us benefit if we rigorously endeavoured to find solutions and resolve this sobering reality for children.

What about a second paycheque and two-income families?

In her book How to Get What You Want in Life with the Money You Already Have, Carole keeffe writes, “over and over again I hear couples say, ‘I wish one of us could be home with our children, but we both have to work, just to get by.’ Most often, this is a myth rather than a fact. Years ago I read that the first $10,000 earned by the second working parent goes to pay child care, transportation, work clothes, higher food bills (expensive packaged meals, convenience foods and earing out more), and higher medical bills due to increased stress. Too often we think we’re bringing in more money, when in fact, we’re creating more bills.” According to the US Census Bureau, Current population survey, 1998, the median income of families in which the wife is not in the paid labour force is $37,161 compared with the median of $63,751 for dual income families. It appears that those most generous with time for their children have more modest financial means. What is there about money and things that distracts people from core values?

In conclusion, the book supports home-care over. day-care for young infants and toddlers. The book supports that women should feel that they have a choice and plethora of benefits in staying at home with their babies and putting their children first. The book also supports children’s emotional, spiritual academic and social wellbeing over a family’s increased finances.