Bukhari Reflection: Emotional Intelligence in Conflict Resolution

Family conflicts at home are so hard to face because they are the ones that produce the most rage, cruel words and even threat of violence. How can the people most dearest to us do the most damage to our emotions? Today's hadith taught me that conflict is part of life, even Aisha (r.a) and Hafsah (r.a) could not avoid it. But the way they resolved the conflict, transformed my understanding. A conflict can be used as an opportunity for self-assessment and  self-growth. 

حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو نُعَيْمٍ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الْوَاحِدِ بْنُ أَيْمَنَ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنِي ابْنُ أَبِي مُلَيْكَةَ، عَنِ الْقَاسِمِ، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم كَانَ إِذَا خَرَجَ أَقْرَعَ بَيْنَ نِسَائِهِ، فَطَارَتِ الْقُرْعَةُ لِعَائِشَةَ وَحَفْصَةَ، وَكَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم إِذَا كَانَ بِاللَّيْلِ سَارَ مَعَ عَائِشَةَ يَتَحَدَّثُ، فَقَالَتْ حَفْصَةُ أَلاَ تَرْكَبِينَ اللَّيْلَةَ بَعِيرِي وَأَرْكَبُ بَعِيرَكِ تَنْظُرِينَ وَأَنْظُرُ، فَقَالَتْ بَلَى فَرَكِبَتْ فَجَاءَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم إِلَى جَمَلِ عَائِشَةَ وَعَلَيْهِ حَفْصَةُ فَسَلَّمَ عَلَيْهَا ثُمَّ سَارَ حَتَّى نَزَلُوا وَافْتَقَدَتْهُ عَائِشَةُ، فَلَمَّا نَزَلُوا جَعَلَتْ رِجْلَيْهَا بَيْنَ الإِذْخِرِ وَتَقُولُ يَا رَبِّ سَلِّطْ عَلَىَّ عَقْرَبًا أَوْ حَيَّةً تَلْدَغُنِي، وَلاَ أَسْتَطِيعُ أَنْ أَقُولَ لَهُ شَيْئًا‏.‏

Narrated al-Qasim:

Aisha said that whenever the Prophet (ﷺ) intended to go on a journey, he drew lots among his wives (so as to take one of them along with him). During one of his journeys the lot fell on `Aisha and Hafsa. When night fell the Prophet (ﷺ) would ride beside `Aisha and talk with her. One night Hafsa said to `Aisha, "Won't you ride my camel tonight and I ride yours, so that you may see (me) and I see (you) (in new situation)?" `Aisha said, "Yes, (I agree.)" So `Aisha rode, and then the Prophet (ﷺ) came towards `Aisha's camel on which Hafsa was riding. He greeted Hafsa and then proceeded (beside her) till they dismounted (on the way). `Aisha missed him, and so, when they dismounted, she put her legs in the Idhkhir and said, "O Lord (Allah)! Send a scorpion or a snake to bite me for I am not to blame him (the Prophet (ﷺ) ).

Reference	: Sahih al-Bukhari 5211
	: Book 67, Hadith 144
	: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 13

The hadith about Aisha (r.a) loosing her night to Hafsah, teaches us how to control our own emotions in a conflict rather than trying to control others'. 

When we encounter any unpleasantaries with a family member, we start treating them like they are the enemy. We feel violated because they hurt or challenged our superiority. The spouse, parent, child, or relative becomes an opponent with whom we wrestle and tussle for control. But when Aisha (r.a) was feeling a storm of emotions – anger, disappointment, and frustration over losing her night to Hafsah (r.a), she mitigated her negative personal feeling without name-calling Hafsah (r.a), or judging her motives, or psychoanalyzing her. She didn’t argue with Hafsah (r.a) to make her feel miserable. She also didn’t try to gain power over Hafsah by finding sympathizers for her cause. Aisha (r.a) accepted the loss as qadr Allah, something Allah planned and not something Hafsah (r.a.) schemed. 

In the same way, we should not feel attacked or become defensive or accusatory when we are in an unpleasant situation. Relationships are not about control or scorekeeping. Relationships are about honouring and maintaining each other’s dignity and helping each other excel in Deen. Winning emotional battles, heated arguments and tendencies to place the bigger blame is not a super strength but a super loss of Allah’s mercy and blessings.