Bukhari Reflection: Muslim women are not princesses

حَدَّثَنَا مَحْمُودٌ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو أُسَامَةَ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامٌ، قَالَ أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ بِنْتِ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ تَزَوَّجَنِي الزُّبَيْرُ، وَمَا لَهُ فِي الأَرْضِ مِنْ مَالٍ، وَلاَ مَمْلُوكٍ، وَلاَ شَىْءٍ غَيْرَ نَاضِحٍ، وَغَيْرَ فَرَسِهِ، فَكُنْتُ أَعْلِفُ فَرَسَهُ، وَأَسْتَقِي الْمَاءَ، وَأَخْرِزُ غَرْبَهُ وَأَعْجِنُ، وَلَمْ أَكُنْ أُحْسِنُ أَخْبِزُ، وَكَانَ يَخْبِزُ جَارَاتٌ لِي مِنَ الأَنْصَارِ وَكُنَّ نِسْوَةَ صِدْقٍ، وَكُنْتُ أَنْقُلُ النَّوَى مِنْ أَرْضِ الزُّبَيْرِ الَّتِي أَقْطَعَهُ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم عَلَى رَأْسِي، وَهْىَ مِنِّي عَلَى ثُلُثَىْ فَرْسَخٍ، فَجِئْتُ يَوْمًا وَالنَّوَى عَلَى رَأْسِي فَلَقِيتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَمَعَهُ نَفَرٌ مِنَ الأَنْصَارِ فَدَعَانِي ثُمَّ قَالَ ‏ "‏ إِخْ إِخْ ‏"‏‏.‏ لِيَحْمِلَنِي خَلْفَهُ، فَاسْتَحْيَيْتُ أَنْ أَسِيرَ مَعَ الرِّجَالِ، وَذَكَرْتُ الزُّبَيْرَ وَغَيْرَتَهُ، وَكَانَ أَغْيَرَ النَّاسِ، فَعَرَفَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم أَنِّي قَدِ اسْتَحْيَيْتُ فَمَضَى، فَجِئْتُ الزُّبَيْرَ فَقُلْتُ لَقِيَنِي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَعَلَى رَأْسِي النَّوَى، وَمَعَهُ نَفَرٌ مِنْ أَصْحَابِهِ، فَأَنَاخَ لأَرْكَبَ، فَاسْتَحْيَيْتُ مِنْهُ وَعَرَفْتُ غَيْرَتَكَ‏.‏ فَقَالَ وَاللَّهِ لَحَمْلُكِ النَّوَى كَانَ أَشَدَّ عَلَىَّ مِنْ رُكُوبِكِ مَعَهُ‏.‏ قَالَتْ حَتَّى أَرْسَلَ إِلَىَّ أَبُو بَكْرٍ بَعْدَ ذَلِكَ بِخَادِمٍ يَكْفِينِي سِيَاسَةَ الْفَرَسِ، فَكَأَنَّمَا أَعْتَقَنِي‏.‏

Narrated Asma' bint Abu Bakr:

When Az-Zubair married me, he had no real property or any slave or anything else except a camel which drew water from the well, and his horse. I used to feed his horse with fodder and drew water and sew the bucket for drawing it, and prepare the dough, but I did not know how to bake bread. So our Ansari neighbors used to bake bread for me, and they were honorable ladies. I used to carry the date stones on my head from Zubair's land given to him by Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and this land was two third Farsakh (about two miles) from my house. One day, while I was coming with the date stones on my head, I met Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) along with some Ansari people. He called me and then, (directing his camel to kneel down) said, "Ikh! Ikh!" so as to make me ride behind him (on his camel). I felt shy to travel with the men and remembered Az-Zubair and his sense of Ghira, as he was one of those people who had the greatest sense of Ghira. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) noticed that I felt shy, so he proceeded. I came to Az-Zubair and said, "I met Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) while I was carrying a load of date stones on my head, and he had some companions with him. He made his camel kneel down so that I might ride, but I felt shy in his presence and remembered your sense of Ghira (See the glossary). On that Az-Zubair said, "By Allah, your carrying the date stones (and you being seen by the Prophet (ﷺ) in such a state) is more shameful to me than your riding with him." (I continued serving in this way) till Abu Bakr sent me a servant to look after the horse, whereupon I felt as if he had set me free.

Reference	: Sahih al-Bukhari 5224
	: Book 67, Hadith 157
	: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 151

There is a quadrant of Muslim women who perpetrate the idea that Islam calls for wives to be treated like princesses or royalty by their husbands. The implications of a happy marriage are being pampered – lavished, adored, and surprised with gifts, flowers, chocolates and trips every day of the week. Housework is a derogatory violation of their strength, independence and equality. Any leave from work or school to raise kids is tantamount to abuse. They envision and validate only those men for husbands who look nothing less than Prince Charming, trotting up on some gallant cooperate salary. 

Is this Islamically true? Is the purpose of marriage in Islam for women to demand/expect a life of sybaritic luxury and freedom from housework, at the expense of the husbands? 

Just because the wife is honoured in Islam, does not follow that she is infallible or that the husband can never disagree with her. She is not a goddess; the husband is not responsible to cater to her every whim or wish. 

Today Bukhari lesson started with an elaborate discussion of  Zubair (r.a) and Asma (r.a) marriage based the hadith sited above. In their relationship see mutual delight in one another, a fervent desire to please one another, an unselfish desire to give instead of receive. We also see the couple sharing the familial responsibilities as partners. To think that, a wife is the queen of her husband’s home and her husband is her janitor or an ATM machine, is absurd. 

Asma (r.a) did not suffocate, deflate or lash out against the long, sometimes backbreaking, blister-producing domestic burdens entrusted to her by her husband. She patiently endured. She didn’t passively or grudgingly tolerate her chores as a docile servant but embraced the work as a joint privilege to be shared with her spouse, in order to create a happy home for themselves. Similarly, Zubair (r.a) did not assume the role of a tyrannical master, neither did he expect his wife to be his maid. Their socio-economic condition demanded that they both perform a plethora of duties, inside and outside the home. 
Muslim women should be ready to accept that all marriages are different and personalities are not alike. We see that from among the sahabiyat (r.a) the roles and division of burden varies from family to family. The underlying similarity among the early Muslim women is that they took the time to understand their spouses and thereby help each other grow not just economically but also spiritually.

Furthermore, Asma (r.a) is also not fazed by the toiling labour entrusted to her by her husband. Instead of holding a grudge against him, she talks to him, prays with him and struggles with him. She does not desire to dominate or manipulate him into doing all the work. She clearly understands that subtle guile, nagging, bickering are all behaviours inconsistent with Islamic principles. 

What makes the marriage of Zubair and Asma (r.a) one of the most richest, wonderful, most meaningful relationships imaginable is that Zubair (r.a) treats Asma (r.a), his wife,  as his friend. the one with whom he shares his plans, his interests, his dreams, his time – his very life. The wife, Asma (r.a) on her part, is proud to be part of his life, his support and his strength. She helps him realize his goals and respects his sensitivities. She does not make decisions about herself, her husband or her children unilaterally. The couple talks things over. They communicate freely, their most intimate selves and accommodate each other with wisdom, dignity and maturity.