Bukhari Reflection: How to practice empathy

حَدَّثَنَا عَلِيٌّ، حَدَّثَنَا ابْنُ عُلَيَّةَ، عَنْ حُمَيْدٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ، قَالَ كَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم عِنْدَ بَعْضِ نِسَائِهِ فَأَرْسَلَتْ إِحْدَى أُمَّهَاتِ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ بِصَحْفَةٍ فِيهَا طَعَامٌ، فَضَرَبَتِ الَّتِي النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِي بَيْتِهَا يَدَ الْخَادِمِ فَسَقَطَتِ الصَّحْفَةُ فَانْفَلَقَتْ، فَجَمَعَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم فِلَقَ الصَّحْفَةِ، ثُمَّ جَعَلَ يَجْمَعُ فِيهَا الطَّعَامَ الَّذِي كَانَ فِي الصَّحْفَةِ وَيَقُولُ ‏ "‏ غَارَتْ أُمُّكُمْ ‏"‏، ثُمَّ حَبَسَ الْخَادِمَ حَتَّى أُتِيَ بِصَحْفَةٍ مِنْ عِنْدِ الَّتِي هُوَ فِي بَيْتِهَا، فَدَفَعَ الصَّحْفَةَ الصَّحِيحَةَ إِلَى الَّتِي كُسِرَتْ صَحْفَتُهَا، وَأَمْسَكَ الْمَكْسُورَةَ فِي بَيْتِ الَّتِي كَسَرَتْ فِيه.‏

Narrated Anas:

While the Prophet (ﷺ) was in the house of one of his wives, one of the mothers of the believers sent a meal in a dish. The wife at whose house the Prophet (ﷺ) was, struck the hand of the servant, causing the dish to fall and break. The Prophet (ﷺ) gathered the broken pieces of the dish and then started collecting on them the food which had been in the dish and said, "Your mother (my wife) felt jealous." Then he detained the servant till a (sound) dish was brought from the wife at whose house he was. He gave the sound dish to the wife whose dish had been broken and kept the broken one at the house where it had been broken.

Reference	: Sahih al-Bukhari 5225
	: Book 67, Hadith 158
	: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 152

We judge people based on their appearances, gestures and expressions all the time. The moment we see anything odd, or remotely out of place, we instantly form an unhelpful opinion. This is totally wrong. People are not always what they seem, they are what they perceive. In the hadith discussed today during Bukhari class we learned that when Aisha (r.a) was expressing her jealousy, the Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) did not give her a criticizing label. The Prophet (s.a.w) did not berate her for her misconduct. Instead he (s.a.w) remained positive and optimistic about her character. He (s.a.w) reframed her negative behaviour with a hope-based mindset.

Scornful labels are calling someone rude, arrogant, stubborn, odd, defiant or lazy etc. This casts a damaging shadow over them. It means we will always see this individual in a negative light and assume the worst from them. Whereas a hope-based outlook invites us to ascribe value to people, and encourages them to grow.  

All human beings say or do crazy things at times but these handful of bad experiences do not define us. We are not evil as a result of experiencing and simultaneously trying to express, a painful feeling. Sometimes when children are emotionally unwell or out of balance, they will act out in turbulent ways. This is why I like to believe that there is no such thing as ‘bad children’ or ‘bad people,’ just individuals who need emotional healing. 

Meltdowns and fits, outburst and tantrums can very well be struggling emotions, anxious feelings and/or fearful thoughts that can be resolved with empathy. When Aisha (r.a) threw the bowl of food, she was expressing hurt feeling she was unable to cope with. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) offered her unconditional love, understanding and kindness in response. The Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) made her feel heard, known, understood and connected. This also diffused the conflict immediately. 

Empathy is a human gift. We consciously give up our own mindset to enter the world of another person, to acknowledge their beliefs and emotional experiences, and validate their good intentions and valid points.  We give them the benefit of our attentiveness and understanding. 

This hadith is a great lesson in practicing empathy. When a loved one is using hurtful words or manners, be empathetic towards them. First, be patient with them and forgive them. Second, discover and then calm the underlying feelings that are motivating the hostile interaction.