Bukhari Reflection: Muslim women are not princesses

حَدَّثَنَا مَحْمُودٌ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو أُسَامَةَ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامٌ، قَالَ أَخْبَرَنِي أَبِي، عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ بِنْتِ أَبِي بَكْرٍ ـ رضى الله عنهما ـ قَالَتْ تَزَوَّجَنِي الزُّبَيْرُ، وَمَا لَهُ فِي الأَرْضِ مِنْ مَالٍ، وَلاَ مَمْلُوكٍ، وَلاَ شَىْءٍ غَيْرَ نَاضِحٍ، وَغَيْرَ فَرَسِهِ، فَكُنْتُ أَعْلِفُ فَرَسَهُ، وَأَسْتَقِي الْمَاءَ، وَأَخْرِزُ غَرْبَهُ وَأَعْجِنُ، وَلَمْ أَكُنْ أُحْسِنُ أَخْبِزُ، وَكَانَ يَخْبِزُ جَارَاتٌ لِي مِنَ الأَنْصَارِ وَكُنَّ نِسْوَةَ صِدْقٍ، وَكُنْتُ أَنْقُلُ النَّوَى مِنْ أَرْضِ الزُّبَيْرِ الَّتِي أَقْطَعَهُ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم عَلَى رَأْسِي، وَهْىَ مِنِّي عَلَى ثُلُثَىْ فَرْسَخٍ، فَجِئْتُ يَوْمًا وَالنَّوَى عَلَى رَأْسِي فَلَقِيتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَمَعَهُ نَفَرٌ مِنَ الأَنْصَارِ فَدَعَانِي ثُمَّ قَالَ ‏ "‏ إِخْ إِخْ ‏"‏‏.‏ لِيَحْمِلَنِي خَلْفَهُ، فَاسْتَحْيَيْتُ أَنْ أَسِيرَ مَعَ الرِّجَالِ، وَذَكَرْتُ الزُّبَيْرَ وَغَيْرَتَهُ، وَكَانَ أَغْيَرَ النَّاسِ، فَعَرَفَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم أَنِّي قَدِ اسْتَحْيَيْتُ فَمَضَى، فَجِئْتُ الزُّبَيْرَ فَقُلْتُ لَقِيَنِي رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَعَلَى رَأْسِي النَّوَى، وَمَعَهُ نَفَرٌ مِنْ أَصْحَابِهِ، فَأَنَاخَ لأَرْكَبَ، فَاسْتَحْيَيْتُ مِنْهُ وَعَرَفْتُ غَيْرَتَكَ‏.‏ فَقَالَ وَاللَّهِ لَحَمْلُكِ النَّوَى كَانَ أَشَدَّ عَلَىَّ مِنْ رُكُوبِكِ مَعَهُ‏.‏ قَالَتْ حَتَّى أَرْسَلَ إِلَىَّ أَبُو بَكْرٍ بَعْدَ ذَلِكَ بِخَادِمٍ يَكْفِينِي سِيَاسَةَ الْفَرَسِ، فَكَأَنَّمَا أَعْتَقَنِي‏.‏

Narrated Asma' bint Abu Bakr:

When Az-Zubair married me, he had no real property or any slave or anything else except a camel which drew water from the well, and his horse. I used to feed his horse with fodder and drew water and sew the bucket for drawing it, and prepare the dough, but I did not know how to bake bread. So our Ansari neighbors used to bake bread for me, and they were honorable ladies. I used to carry the date stones on my head from Zubair's land given to him by Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and this land was two third Farsakh (about two miles) from my house. One day, while I was coming with the date stones on my head, I met Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) along with some Ansari people. He called me and then, (directing his camel to kneel down) said, "Ikh! Ikh!" so as to make me ride behind him (on his camel). I felt shy to travel with the men and remembered Az-Zubair and his sense of Ghira, as he was one of those people who had the greatest sense of Ghira. Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) noticed that I felt shy, so he proceeded. I came to Az-Zubair and said, "I met Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) while I was carrying a load of date stones on my head, and he had some companions with him. He made his camel kneel down so that I might ride, but I felt shy in his presence and remembered your sense of Ghira (See the glossary). On that Az-Zubair said, "By Allah, your carrying the date stones (and you being seen by the Prophet (ﷺ) in such a state) is more shameful to me than your riding with him." (I continued serving in this way) till Abu Bakr sent me a servant to look after the horse, whereupon I felt as if he had set me free.

Reference	: Sahih al-Bukhari 5224
	: Book 67, Hadith 157
	: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 151

There is a quadrant of Muslim women who perpetrate the idea that Islam calls for wives to be treated like princesses or royalty by their husbands. The implications of a happy marriage are being pampered – lavished, adored, and surprised with gifts, flowers, chocolates and trips every day of the week. Housework is a derogatory violation of their strength, independence and equality. Any leave from work or school to raise kids is tantamount to abuse. They envision and validate only those men for husbands who look nothing less than Prince Charming, trotting up on some gallant cooperate salary. 

Is this Islamically true? Is the purpose of marriage in Islam for women to demand/expect a life of sybaritic luxury and freedom from housework, at the expense of the husbands? 

Just because the wife is honoured in Islam, does not follow that she is infallible or that the husband can never disagree with her. She is not a goddess; the husband is not responsible to cater to her every whim or wish. 

Today Bukhari lesson started with an elaborate discussion of  Zubair (r.a) and Asma (r.a) marriage based the hadith sited above. In their relationship see mutual delight in one another, a fervent desire to please one another, an unselfish desire to give instead of receive. We also see the couple sharing the familial responsibilities as partners. To think that, a wife is the queen of her husband’s home and her husband is her janitor or an ATM machine, is absurd. 

Asma (r.a) did not suffocate, deflate or lash out against the long, sometimes backbreaking, blister-producing domestic burdens entrusted to her by her husband. She patiently endured. She didn’t passively or grudgingly tolerate her chores as a docile servant but embraced the work as a joint privilege to be shared with her spouse, in order to create a happy home for themselves. Similarly, Zubair (r.a) did not assume the role of a tyrannical master, neither did he expect his wife to be his maid. Their socio-economic condition demanded that they both perform a plethora of duties, inside and outside the home. 
Muslim women should be ready to accept that all marriages are different and personalities are not alike. We see that from among the sahabiyat (r.a) the roles and division of burden varies from family to family. The underlying similarity among the early Muslim women is that they took the time to understand their spouses and thereby help each other grow not just economically but also spiritually.

Furthermore, Asma (r.a) is also not fazed by the toiling labour entrusted to her by her husband. Instead of holding a grudge against him, she talks to him, prays with him and struggles with him. She does not desire to dominate or manipulate him into doing all the work. She clearly understands that subtle guile, nagging, bickering are all behaviours inconsistent with Islamic principles. 

What makes the marriage of Zubair and Asma (r.a) one of the most richest, wonderful, most meaningful relationships imaginable is that Zubair (r.a) treats Asma (r.a), his wife,  as his friend. the one with whom he shares his plans, his interests, his dreams, his time – his very life. The wife, Asma (r.a) on her part, is proud to be part of his life, his support and his strength. She helps him realize his goals and respects his sensitivities. She does not make decisions about herself, her husband or her children unilaterally. The couple talks things over. They communicate freely, their most intimate selves and accommodate each other with wisdom, dignity and maturity. 

Fiqh al Quloob Reflection: Fish out of Water

Today’s, Fiqh al Qulub فقه الإيمان باالله pages 737, class started with a reminder to be actively learning the Deen. 

I remember when I was in elementary school, everyday started with the national anthem. Rain or shine, snow or storm, we stand “O Canada!” each and everyday in English and in French. I didn’t question this regime then but it makes sense to me now. With the singing of the anthem, teachers, the school board, and the government at large, wants students to realize their identity and and role as good Canadian citizens, well-equipped to contribute positively to our community. Each day, the anthem reminded us of our values and the fundamental actions which were expected from us. 

Now that I am all grown up, I understand and appreciate the value of this repetition. As human beings, we need to be in a constant journey to learning. Without a daily reminder of our beliefs and values, we loose direction and sincerity in our tasks. 

Islam is not something we declare on our passport as our choice of religion, or order on a menu when we go out to eat. It is our way of life and our worldview. We carry our faith with us everywhere, even when we are going to bed. To properly engage with our faith, I feel that we need to be inspired everyday. The truth is, our religious integrity and our commitment to our principles wear off. It is one thing to know the dogma, academically and another thing to actively engage with it, with all our senses, thoughts, feelings and imagination, everyday. We want to be in a stat where we are cognizant of what our faith is and how we are going to to apply it. 

Consciously being part of a learning group like Fiqh al Quloob class makes us mindful of our faith. It also helps us develop a moment-by-moment awareness of our emaan and apply it to all our life’s endeavours and relationships. I feel like a fish out of water when I am not listening to some faith based lecture. It is not only therapeutic but also invigorating. It renews my purpose for the whole day and how I look at my day. 

• Who am I? Why am I doing this? 

• What does Allah want to teach me in this moment?

• How can I appreciate Allah in this situation and show Him importance? 

• How might I serve Allah today today? 

This is especially important when we are surrounded by a godless society which is assaulting our religious values. It is important that we are connected with a faith-based learning community to maintain our Islam with grave, wisdom and good cheer. 

Bukhari Reflection: Faking your Reality

It continues to amaze me how Allah’s Kalam and Hikmat from hadith plays out in our day to day life. We were told in the hadith today, not to be pretentious in front of others – not to fake a happy relationship with our spouse through gifts we have not received or moments which we have not shared. SubhanAllah! 

حَدَّثَنَا سُلَيْمَانُ بْنُ حَرْبٍ، حَدَّثَنَا حَمَّادُ بْنُ زَيْدٍ، عَنْ هِشَامٍ، عَنْ فَاطِمَةَ، عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ، عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم‏.‏ حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، حَدَّثَنَا يَحْيَى، عَنْ هِشَامٍ، حَدَّثَتْنِي فَاطِمَةُ، عَنْ أَسْمَاءَ، أَنَّ امْرَأَةً، قَالَتْ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنَّ لِي ضَرَّةً، فَهَلْ عَلَىَّ جُنَاحٌ إِنْ تَشَبَّعْتُ مِنْ زَوْجِي غَيْرَ الَّذِي يُعْطِينِي فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏ الْمُتَشَبِّعُ بِمَا لَمْ يُعْطَ كَلاَبِسِ ثَوْبَىْ زُورٍ ‏"‏‏.‏

Narrated Asma:

Some lady said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! My husband has another wife, so it is sinful of me to claim that he has given me what he has not given me (in order to tease her)?" Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, The one who pretends that he has been given what he has not been given, is just like the (false) one who wears two garments of falsehood."

Reference	: Sahih al-Bukhari 5219
	: Book 67, Hadith 152
	: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 14

We live in an age of mass delusion; we pride ourselves for inventing and using technology that can filter and manipulate the reality of our relationships. We think that it is great feat of ingenuity, to completely reinvent our marriages online with artfully posed or photoshoped lies.  The more we express or expose our marriage on social media, the more we are likely to exaggerate and falsify our relationship.  

In truth we are simply seeking some validation. We want people to think that we are loved, noticed and appreciated by our husbands like a disney princess. When this need is not directed towards Allah, we seek to satisfy it online. When we don't have a happy and fulfilling relationship with Allah, we try to synthetically stage it with other people. Then prove it on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest and Snapchat, 5 times a day.

 It may be exhilarating at first to take all the selfies then doctor mundane moments to look like a glorious events. But in the end, all that hard work just brings long existential angst. The fakeness and emptiness behind each fabrication eventually catches up to us and hits us in the face with an ocean of sadness and hurt. When we realize our marriages will never be what we portray them to be, we are left feeling more lonely and insecure. At the same time, as a result of our distortions, we increase pressure on our family and friends to showcase their marriages online. We encourage a culture of decision and deception. 

Bukhari Reflection: Sharing Power in family relations

Sawda bint Zam'a gave her nights to Aisha (r.a) when she became an elderly woman. It is such a fine etiquette to give up control. Many times we push against reality and resist the truth so we don’t have to surrender or share our position and authority. This is why many of our closest relationships are tyrannical and hostile rather than friendly and peaceful. 

A mother-in-law will not give any control over the house to her daughter-in-law. An older sibling will not give any control to her younger siblings. These are just examples of relationships which become destructive because of lack of compromise between the parties involved. Mutual respect and joint responsibility produces meaningful relationship based on trust and acceptance. 

حَدَّثَنَا مَالِكُ بْنُ إِسْمَاعِيلُ، حَدَّثَنَا زُهَيْرٌ، عَنْ هِشَامٍ، عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، أَنَّ سَوْدَةَ بِنْتَ زَمْعَةَ، وَهَبَتْ، يَوْمَهَا لِعَائِشَةَ، وَكَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَقْسِمُ لِعَائِشَةَ بِيَوْمِهَا وَيَوْمِ سَوْدَةَ‏.‏

Narrated `Aisha:

Sauda bint Zam`a gave up her turn to me (`Aisha), and so the Prophet (ﷺ) used to give me (`Aisha) both my day and the day of Sauda.

Reference	: Sahih al-Bukhari 5212
	: Book 67, Hadith 145
	: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 139

Bukhari Reflection: Emotional Intelligence in Conflict Resolution

Family conflicts at home are so hard to face because they are the ones that produce the most rage, cruel words and even threat of violence. How can the people most dearest to us do the most damage to our emotions? Today's hadith taught me that conflict is part of life, even Aisha (r.a) and Hafsah (r.a) could not avoid it. But the way they resolved the conflict, transformed my understanding. A conflict can be used as an opportunity for self-assessment and  self-growth. 

حَدَّثَنَا أَبُو نُعَيْمٍ، حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الْوَاحِدِ بْنُ أَيْمَنَ، قَالَ حَدَّثَنِي ابْنُ أَبِي مُلَيْكَةَ، عَنِ الْقَاسِمِ، عَنْ عَائِشَةَ، أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم كَانَ إِذَا خَرَجَ أَقْرَعَ بَيْنَ نِسَائِهِ، فَطَارَتِ الْقُرْعَةُ لِعَائِشَةَ وَحَفْصَةَ، وَكَانَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم إِذَا كَانَ بِاللَّيْلِ سَارَ مَعَ عَائِشَةَ يَتَحَدَّثُ، فَقَالَتْ حَفْصَةُ أَلاَ تَرْكَبِينَ اللَّيْلَةَ بَعِيرِي وَأَرْكَبُ بَعِيرَكِ تَنْظُرِينَ وَأَنْظُرُ، فَقَالَتْ بَلَى فَرَكِبَتْ فَجَاءَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم إِلَى جَمَلِ عَائِشَةَ وَعَلَيْهِ حَفْصَةُ فَسَلَّمَ عَلَيْهَا ثُمَّ سَارَ حَتَّى نَزَلُوا وَافْتَقَدَتْهُ عَائِشَةُ، فَلَمَّا نَزَلُوا جَعَلَتْ رِجْلَيْهَا بَيْنَ الإِذْخِرِ وَتَقُولُ يَا رَبِّ سَلِّطْ عَلَىَّ عَقْرَبًا أَوْ حَيَّةً تَلْدَغُنِي، وَلاَ أَسْتَطِيعُ أَنْ أَقُولَ لَهُ شَيْئًا‏.‏

Narrated al-Qasim:

Aisha said that whenever the Prophet (ﷺ) intended to go on a journey, he drew lots among his wives (so as to take one of them along with him). During one of his journeys the lot fell on `Aisha and Hafsa. When night fell the Prophet (ﷺ) would ride beside `Aisha and talk with her. One night Hafsa said to `Aisha, "Won't you ride my camel tonight and I ride yours, so that you may see (me) and I see (you) (in new situation)?" `Aisha said, "Yes, (I agree.)" So `Aisha rode, and then the Prophet (ﷺ) came towards `Aisha's camel on which Hafsa was riding. He greeted Hafsa and then proceeded (beside her) till they dismounted (on the way). `Aisha missed him, and so, when they dismounted, she put her legs in the Idhkhir and said, "O Lord (Allah)! Send a scorpion or a snake to bite me for I am not to blame him (the Prophet (ﷺ) ).

Reference	: Sahih al-Bukhari 5211
	: Book 67, Hadith 144
	: Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 13

The hadith about Aisha (r.a) loosing her night to Hafsah, teaches us how to control our own emotions in a conflict rather than trying to control others'. 

When we encounter any unpleasantaries with a family member, we start treating them like they are the enemy. We feel violated because they hurt or challenged our superiority. The spouse, parent, child, or relative becomes an opponent with whom we wrestle and tussle for control. But when Aisha (r.a) was feeling a storm of emotions – anger, disappointment, and frustration over losing her night to Hafsah (r.a), she mitigated her negative personal feeling without name-calling Hafsah (r.a), or judging her motives, or psychoanalyzing her. She didn’t argue with Hafsah (r.a) to make her feel miserable. She also didn’t try to gain power over Hafsah by finding sympathizers for her cause. Aisha (r.a) accepted the loss as qadr Allah, something Allah planned and not something Hafsah (r.a.) schemed. 

In the same way, we should not feel attacked or become defensive or accusatory when we are in an unpleasant situation. Relationships are not about control or scorekeeping. Relationships are about honouring and maintaining each other’s dignity and helping each other excel in Deen. Winning emotional battles, heated arguments and tendencies to place the bigger blame is not a super strength but a super loss of Allah’s mercy and blessings. 

Bukhari Reflection: Who controls my body?

Today’s Hadith lesson with Dr. Farhat Hashmi was absolutely phenomenal mashaAllah. I think time and time again, the underlying theme of each of these ahadith discussed, was control. We run into problems with ourselves and in our relationships when we try to be in control, when in fact control belongs to Allah.  

حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ اللَّهِ بْنُ مُحَمَّدِ بْنِ أَسْمَاءَ، حَدَّثَنَا جُوَيْرِيَةُ، عَنْ مَالِكِ بْنِ أَنَسٍ، عَنِ الزُّهْرِيِّ، عَنِ ابْنِ مُحَيْرِيزٍ، عَنْ أَبِي سَعِيدٍ الْخُدْرِيِّ، قَالَ أَصَبْنَا سَبْيًا فَكُنَّا نَعْزِلُ فَسَأَلْنَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم فَقَالَ ‏ "‏ أَوَإِنَّكُمْ لَتَفْعَلُونَ قَالَهَا ثَلاَثًا مَا مِنْ نَسَمَةٍ كَائِنَةٍ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ إِلاَّ هِيَ كَائِنَةٌ ‏"‏‏.‏

Narrated Abu Sa`id Al-Khudri:

We got female captives in the war booty and we used to do coitus interruptus with them. So we asked Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) about it and he said, "Do you really do that?" repeating the question thrice, "There is no soul that is destined to exist but will come into existence, till the Day of Resurrection."

Sahih al-Bukhari 5210
	Book 67, Hadith 143
	Vol. 7, Book 62, Hadith 13

First, the hadith on natural contraception teaches us that Allah is in control of our bodies. 

Our culture teaches us, “My body is mine to do whatever I want to with it.” 

But in truth, this hadith tells us that we do not have any authority over our bodies. We cannot control the intricate functions and mechanisms, which are at work inside of us. We experience that everyday. How many times, people get a flu shot, during winter but get sick anyway or use a contraceptive but get pregnant anyway. This is because ultimately, our bodies obey Allah, not modern technology or even medicines. We can and we should take preventative measures to secure good health and physical well being. At the same time, we need to believe that earthly procedures can never outmaneuver Allah’s will and plans. Our bodies surrender to Allah’s power and His decisions.  Many of us live lives of great pain, confusion and rejection because we are struggling to accept our bodies the way Allah had made them. All our challenges with our bodies can be healed, when we accept wholeheartedly that Allah is the Owner and Master of our bodies.

Our culture tells us to seek respect, a sense of fulfillment and lasting happiness in our bodies. But these unique characteristics are found only in the truth and beauty of Allah’s Words, Intent and Design. When we fully and utterly give ourselves to Allah, we realize and experience love and compassion. 

Islam and Feminism

As with the term Islamism, the label feminism, too is problematic. I reject the term feminism because I find all ‘isms’ inadequate, and because the term is closely linked with the Western women’s movement. Rather than being caught up in disentangling Western assumptions and nuances that go with the term, I prefer to dispense with it entirely.

What I would like to emphasize is that while labels are useful, they are not without limitations, especially with a complex tradition such as Islam. The point is that Western conceptual categories are not fully applicable to the Islamic texts. What I am indicating is that instead of working out a precise definition, it would be more helpful to spell out concerns as appropriate to the situation.

In the Islamic texts, women are neither inferior nor secondary to men. Women’s freedoms (and responsibilities) are not directed or constrained by male-centered values. In the Islamic context, women are neither emancipated nor enslaved by men. 

Islamic history is replete with variety of women ranging from gentler to fiercer personalities, from the conventional to unconventional. The image of femininity in Islam is associated with an array of strengths and talents - from wisdom, courage, and industriousness to wealth, prosperity and power. 

Self-denial, self-sacrifice, endurance and benevolence are not gendered demands made from women in order to oppress them. Rather every male and female worshipper  in Islam is asked to emulate these values in his/her struggle to reach and please Allah. Similarly, traits such as stubbornness, aggressiveness, competition and greed are equally disapproved for men and women. 

There is a need to develop flexible conceptual frameworks that will readdress the imbalance that has been caused by exclusive reliance on the ever-changing cultural perception of men and women. It is a historical fallacy to assume that Masajid are traditional hegemonic male spaces. It is also not a patriarchic agenda to give men and women space from each other at the Masjid to help them become in tuned  with their higher selves. The separation simply ensures that the main focus is on the prayers and not the opposite gender. 

For a creative and critical engagement with women's concerns, we need to go beyond the trends and look at the texts. We need to look at gender and gender roles as a divine construct. Though these concepts are fluid and flexible, they are not loose and interchangeable. 

It is also important to avoid problems that surface from Muslim-Western debates, in which Muslims are often pressured to reconcile Islamic texts with Western definitions.

It is often assumed that Muslim women are faced with the same problems as their secular0 atheist counterparts: for example, the ordination and employment of women. Most Muslim women do not desire to become Imaams or the breadwinner of the family. Even most Muslim men from a qawwam-stand point, undertake these tasks as a matter of family duty rather than out of any aspiration to dominate and conquer women. It is necessary to guard against replicating orientalist representations of Islam and the Muslim family structure. 

We need to welcome the opportunity to engage in a historical reading of Muslim women to look for their distinctive contributions. We need to promote intergenerational reflection and thus bring fresh and challenging perspectives to women’s concerns